The superego is that part of the personality soluble in alcohol.  
The superego is that small inner voice that warns us that someone may be looking.

A neurotic is a person who has discovered the secret of perpetual emotion.

A hypochondriac is a person who wants to have his ache and treat it too.

A kleptomaniac is a person who helps himself because he can't help himself.

A sadist is a person who does kind things to a masochist.

Consciousness is that annoying time between periods of sleep.

Guilt feelings are the attempt to express the good intentions you never really had.

Just Been Thinking!!!

If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?

How do blind people know exactly where to look for those little Braille signs?

Did Adam and Eve have belly buttons?

Why does your nose run and your feet smell?

Why do toothaches start on Saturday nights?

How come your teeth are the first to decay when you are alive, and the last to decay when you are dead?

Do Roman paramedics refer to IV's as "4's"?

How many weeks are there in a light year?

"If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure." 

"Republicans understand the importance of bondage between a mother and child."

"Mars is essentially in the same orbit... Mars is somewhat the same distance from the Sun, which is very important. We have seen pictures where there are canals, we believe, and water. If there is water, that means there is oxygen.  If oxygen, that means we can breathe."  

"What a waste it is to lose one's mind. Or not to have a mind is being very wasteful. How true that is."  

"The Holocaust was an obscene period in our nation's history. I mean in this century's history. But we all lived in this century. I didn't live in this century."  9/15/88

"I believe we are on an irreversible trend toward more freedom and democracy -- but that could change."   5/22/89

"One word sums up probably the responsibility of any vice president, and that one word is 'to be prepared'."  12/6/89

"We don't want to go back to tomorrow, we want to go forward." 

"I have made good judgments in the Past. I have made good judgments in the Future." 

"The future will be better tomorrow." 

"We're going to have the best-educated American people in the world."   9/21/88

"People that are really very weird can get into sensitive positions and have a tremendous impact on history."       

"We have a firm commitment to NATO, we are a *part* of NATO. We have a firm commitment to Europe. We are a *part* of Europe."   

"I am not part of the problem. I am a Republican."

"I love California, I practically grew up in Phoenix." 

"A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the polls." 

"For NASA, space is still a high priority."   9/5/90

"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it."        

"[It's] time for the human race to enter the solar system."

1- When computing, whatever happens, behave as though you meant it to happen.
2- When you get to the point where you really understand your computer, then it's probably obsolete.
3- The first place to look for information is in the section of the manual where you least expect to find it.
4- When the going gets tough, upgrade.
5- For every action there is an equal and opposite malfunction
6- To err is human... to really screw things up royally requires a computer.
7- He who laughs last probably made a back-up.
8- A complex system that does not work is invariably found to have evolved from a simpler system that worked just fine.
9- The No. 1 cause of computer problems is computer solutions.
10- A computer program will always do what you tell it to do, but rarely what you want it to do.

How many psychologists does it take to change a light bulb?

10. You wake up at 3a.m. to go to the bathroom, and check your e-mail on the way back to bed.
9. Your firstborn is named dotcom.
8. You turn off your modem and are suddenly filled with a feeling of emptiness, as if you just pulled the plug on a loved one.
7. You spend half of a plane trip with your laptop in your lap...and your child in the overhead compartment.
6. You decide to stay in college for an additional year or two, just for the free Internet access.
5. You find yourself typing "com" after every period.com
4. You refer to going to the bathroom as downloading.
3. You move into a new home and decide to netscape before you landscape.
2. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. :-)
DRUM ROLL PLEASE
AND THE NO. 1 SIGN THAT YOU KNOW IT'S TIME TO JOIN E-MAILERS ANONYMOUS:
1. Immediately after reading this list, you email it to someone.

Please leave your values at the front desk....from a Paris hotel elevator

Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon having a good time...in a Rome laundry

Specialist in women and other diseases....in a Roman physician's office

Visitors are expected to complain at the office between the hours of 9 and 11 a.m. daily.....in an Athens hotel.

It is strictly forbidden on our Black Forest camping site that people of different sex, for instance, men and women, live together in one tent unless they are married with each other for that purpose...posted in the Black Forest

Special today. No ice cream...in a Swiss mountain inn

Our wines leave you nothing to hope for.....in a Swiss restaurant

Because of the impropriety of entertaining guests of the opposite sex in the bedroom, it is suggested that the lobby be used for this purpose...in a Zurich hotel

In case of fire, do your utmost to alarm the hotel porter...in a Vienna hotel

The lift is being fixed for the next day.  During that time we regret that you will be unbearable....in a Bucharest hotel lobby

Ladies may have a fit upstairs....outside a Hong Kong tailor shop

Teeth extracted by the latest Methodists.....outside a Hong Kong dental office

Please do not feed the animals. If you have any suitable food, give it to the guard on duty....at a Budapest zoo

The flattening of underwear with pleasure is the job of the chambermaid....in a Yugoslavian hotel

Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar....in a Norwegian cocktail lounge

If this is your first visit to the USSR, you are welcome to it...in a Moscow hotel

You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid....in a Japanese hotel

Cooles and heates: if you want just condition of warm in your room, please control yourself...from a Japanese guide on hotel air conditioner use

Our nylons cost more than common, but you'll find they are best in the long run...in a Tokyo shop

A new swimming pool is rapidly taking shape since the contractors have thrown in the bulk of their workers...from an East African newspaper

The manager has personally passed all the water served here....in an Acapulco hotel

Having chosen English as the preferred language in the EEC, the European Parliament has commissioned a feasibility study in ways of improving efficiency in communications between Government departments.

"European officials have often pointed out that English spelling is unnecessarily difficult, for example: cough, plough, rough, through and thorough. What is clearly needed is a phased programme of changes to iron out these anomalies. The programme would, of course, be administered by a committee staff at top level by participating nations.

In the first year, for example, the committee would suggest using 's' instead of the soft 'c'. Sertainly sivil servants in all sities would resieve this news with job. Then the hard 'c' could be replaced by 'k' sinse both letters are pronounsed alike. Not only would this klear up konfusion in the minds of klerikal workers, but typewriters kould be made with one less letter.

There would be growing enthusiasm when in the sekond year, it was announsed that the troublesome 'ph' would henseforth be written 'f'. This would make words like fotograf' twenty persent shorter in print.

In the third year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reash the stage where more komplikated shanges are possible. Governments would enkourage the removal of double leters whish have always been a deterent to akurate speling.

We would al agre that the horible mes of silent 'e's in the languag is disgrasful. Therefor we kould drop them and kontinu to read and writ as though nothing had hapend. By this tim it would be four years sins the skem began and peopl would be reseptive to steps sutsh as replasing 'th' by 'z'. Perhaps zen ze funktion of 'w' kould be taken on by 'v', vitsh is, after al, half a 'w'. Shortly after zis, ze unesesary 'o' kould be dropd from vords kontaining 'ou'. Similar arguments vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters.

Kontinuing zis proses yer after yer, ve vud eventuli hav a reli sensibl riten styl. After tventi yers zer vud be no mor trubls, difikultis and evrivun vud find it ezi tu understand ech ozer. Ze drems of the Guvermnt vud finali hav kum tru."

Answering Machine Message at 1-800-PSYCH
Hello, Welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline.
If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2.
If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5 and 6.
If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you want. Just stay on the line so we can trace the call.
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.
If you are depressed, it doesn't matter which number you press. No one will answer.

Bumper Stickers

"Out of my mind. Back in five minutes."
"Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot."
"Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let him sleep"
"It's as BAD as you think, and they ARE out to get you."
"I took an IQ test and the results were negative."
"Warning: Dates in calendar are closer than they appear."
"Give me ambiguity or give me something else."
"He who laughs last, thinks slowest"
"Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else."
"Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies."
"Consciousness: that annoying time between naps."
"Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home."
"3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't."
"Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?"

I no longer need to punish, deceive or compromise myself. Unless, of course, I want to stay employed.

A good scapegoat is nearly as welcome as a solution to the problem.

As I let go of my feelings of guilt, I can get in touch with my Inner Sociopath.

I have the power to channel my imagination into ever-soaring levels of suspicion and paranoia.

Today, I will gladly share my experience and advice, for there are no sweeter words than "I told you so."

I need not suffer in silence while I can still moan, whimper and complain.

As I learn the innermost secrets of the people around me, they reward me in many ways to keep me quiet.

I assume full responsibility for my actions, except the ones that are someone else's fault.

I honor my personality flaws, for without them I would have no personality at all.

When someone hurts me, forgiveness is cheaper than a lawsuit, but not nearly as gratifying.

The first step is to say nice things about myself. The second, to do nice things for myself. The third, to find someone to buy me nice things.

As I learn to trust the universe, I no longer need to carry a gun.

Just for today, I will not sit in my living room all day watching TV.  Instead I will move my TV into the bedroom.

Who can I blame for my own problems? Give me just a minute... I'll find someone.

Why should I waste my time reliving the past when I can spend it worrying about the future?

I will find humor in my everyday life by looking for people I can laugh at.

I am willing to make the mistakes if someone else is willing to learn from them.

The following list of phrases and their definitions might help you understand the mysterious language of science (including psychology) and medicine. These special phrases are also applicable to anyone reading a PhD dissertation or academic paper.

"IT HAS LONG BEEN KNOWN"... I didn't look up the original reference.

"A DEFINITE TREND IS EVIDENT"... These data are practically meaningless.

"WHILE IT HAS NOT BEEN POSSIBLE TO PROVIDE DEFINITE ANSWERS TO THE QUESTIONS"... An unsuccessful experiment, but I still hope to get it published.

"THREE OF THE SAMPLES WERE CHOSEN FOR DETAILED STUDY"... The other results didn't make any sense.

"TYPICAL RESULTS ARE SHOWN"... This is the prettiest graph.

"THESE RESULTS WILL BE IN A SUBSEQUENT REPORT"... I might get around to this sometime, if pushed/funded.

"IN MY EXPERIENCE"... Once

"IN CASE AFTER CASE"... Twice

"IN A SERIES OF CASES"... Thrice

"IT IS BELIEVED THAT"... I think.

"IT IS GENERALLY BELIEVED THAT"... A couple of others think so, too.

"CORRECT WITHIN AN ORDER OF MAGNITUDE"... Wrong.

"ACCORD1NG TO STATISTICAL ANALYSIS"... Rumour has it.

"A STATISTICALLY-ORIENTED PROJECTION OF THE SIGNIFICANCE OF THESE FINDINGS"... A wild guess.

"A CAREFUL ANALYSIS OF OBTAINABLE DATA"... Three pages of notes were obliterated when I knocked over a glass of beer.

"IT IS CLEAR THAT MUCH ADDITIONAL WORK WILL BE REQUIRED BEFORE A COMPLETE UNDERSTANDING OF THIS PHENOMENON OCCURS"... I don't understand it

"AFTER ADDITIONAL STUDY BY MY COLLEAGUES"... They don't understand it either.

"THANKS ARE DUE TO JOE BLOGGS FOR ASSISTANCE WITH THE EXPERIMENT AND TO CINDY ADAMS FOR VALUABLE DISCUSSIONS"... Mr. Bloggs did the work and Ms. Adams explained to me what it meant.

"A HIGHLY SIGNIFICANT AREA FOR EXPLORATORY STUDY"... A totally useless topic selected by my committee.

"IT IS HOPED THAT THIS STUDY WILL STIMULATE FURTHER 1NVESTIGATION IN THIS FIELD"... I quit.

It started out innocently enough. I began to think at parties now and then to loosen up. Inevitably though, one thought led to another, and soon I was more than just a social thinker.

I began to think alone - "to relax," I told myself. But I knew it wasn't true. Thinking became more and more important to me, and finally I was thinking all the time.

I began to think on the job. I knew that thinking and employment don't mix, but I couldn't stop myself.

I began to avoid friends at lunchtime so I could read Thoreau and Kafka. I would return to the office dizzied and confused, asking, "What is it exactly we are doing here?"

Things weren't going so great at home either. One evening I had turned off the TV and asked my wife about the meaning of life. She spent that night at her mother's. I soon had a reputation as a heavy thinker. One day the boss called me in. He said, "Skippy, I like you, and it hurts me to say this, but your thinking has become a real problem. If you don't stop thinking on the job, you'll have to find another job." This gave me a lot to think about.

I came home early after my conversation with the boss. "Honey," I confessed, "I've been thinking..."

"I know you've been thinking," she said, "and I want a divorce!"

"But Honey, surely it's not that serious."

"It is serious," she said, lower lip aquiver. "You think as much as college professors, and college professors don't make any money, so if you keep on thinking we won't have any money!"

"That's a faulty syllogism," I said impatiently, and she began to cry. I'd had enough. "I'm going to the library," I snarled as I stomped out the door.

I headed for the library, in the mood for some Nietzsche, with NPR on the radio. I roared into the parking lot and ran up to the big glass doors... they didn't open. The library was closed.

To this day, I believe that a Higher Power was looking out for me that night.

As I sank to the ground clawing at the unfeeling glass, whimpering for Zarathustra, a poster caught my eye. "Friend, is heavy thinking ruining your life?" it asked. You probably recognize that line. It comes from the standard Thinker's Anonymous poster.

Which is why I am what I am today: a recovering thinker. I never miss a TA meeting. At each meeting we watch a non-educational video; last week it was "Porky's." Then we share experiences about how we avoided thinking since the last meeting.

* On Sears hair dryer: Do not use while sleeping.

* On a bag of Fritos: You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.

* On a bar of Dial soap: Directions: Use like regular soap.

* Some Swann frozen dinners: Serving suggestion: Defrost.

* On a hotel-provided shower cap in a box: Fits one head.

* On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert: Do not turn upside down. (Printed on the bottom of the box.)

* On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: Product will be hot after heating.

* On packaging for a Rowenta Iron: Do not use while clothes on body.

* On Boot's Toddler's Cough Medicine: Do not drive car or operate heavy machinery.

* On Nytol (a sleep aid): Warning: may cause drowsiness.

* On a Korean kitchen knife: Warning keep out of children.

* On a string of Chinese-made Christmas lights: For indoor or outdoor use only.

* On a Japanese food processor: Not to be used for the other use.

* On Sainsbury's Peanuts: Warning: contains nuts.

* On an American Airlines packet of nuts: Instructions: open packet, eat nuts.

* On a Swedish chainsaw: Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands.

Xray Medical Terminology

ECNALUBMA (ek na lub'ma) n. A rescue vehicle which can only be seen in the rear-view mirror.
Barium (bury 'im).....what doctors do when patients die
Benign (be 9).....what you be after you be eight
Cardiology.....advanced study of poker playing
Catscan...searching for kitty
Dilate.......to live long
Enema.....not a friend
Fibula......a small lie
GI series.....world series of military baseball
ICU........peek-a-boo
Outpatient.. a person who has fainted
Paralyze....two far fetched stories
Recovery room.....place to do upholstery
Rectum....darn near killed him
Vein.........conceited