Co-Dependent and Enabling Behaviors

The chemically dependent person cannot ask for help, they are too afraid: 
"I need help, but you might reject me because I have hurt your feelings. Besides, it's my problem, not yours."

The enabler can't offer help, they are afraid also: 
"I know you need help, but you might reject me, or I might hurt your feelings. Besides, it's not my problem, it's yours."

Isolation, shame, guilt, anger, confusion, and denial are common symptoms for both the chemically dependent person and the enablers.

Enabling is the subconscious allowing of the illness to continue by taking care of the addict and helping them avoid the pain and consequences of their behavior.  Many enablers are also co-dependent.

Co-Dependency is a chronic attempt to please or manipulate others, in order to create a self-esteem based on "doing good."  This identity is false, unhealthy, and becomes progressively death-oriented. This disease is typical of family members of alcoholic/addicts or children of emotionally repressive parents. The family rules are "Don't talk, don't trust, don't feel."

Enabling Behaviors

          Rationalizing

Stops communication by making attempts to understand the alcoholic/addict as unusual but normal.  There is some excuse, underlying problem, or stereotype which explains their use of chemicals. The enabler may evaluate, diagnose, label, blame.  Feelings are avoided.
"He needs to blow off steam. He has problems at work (or home)." "Lots of people were loaded at that party."
"Why dwell on the past? It would only be upsetting."
"He's just going through a phase."

           
          Projecting

The problems of the addict are ignored and focus is shifted to the enabler's inadequacies. The enabler becomes mired in their hurt feelings and guilt.
"If you cared about me half as much as you care about your friends, maybe I wouldn't want to drink so much."
"You're enough to drive anyone to drink."
"If you'd shape up, I'd be all right."

          Avoiding

The enabler withdraws all feedback or contact, represses feelings, keeps the alcoholic/addict's problems secret.
"After what he did last night, let's just not invite him any more."
"She just doesn't seem to belong in this department; I'll transfer her to shipping."
"She isn't as reliable as she used to be. I don't think we should ask her to be on our committee."

          Controlling

To avoid a deepening depression, the enabler reacts, tries to manipulate social events, assumes extra responsibilities, directly controls the chemicals' availability, invades the alcoholic/addict's privacy, lectures, problem-solves, argues, questions, threatens, begs, commands, consoles, or gives up and joins in the consumption of chemicals.

[ Up ][ onlinetherapy ] [ ego defense mechanisms ] [ co-dependent behaviors ] [ relapse symptoms ] [ feelingslist ] [ distorted thinking ] [ glossary ] [ myths about mental illness ] [ stigma of mental illness ] [ types of mental health professionals ]