A Guide for Imams Dealing
with Abusive Men
Uzma Mazhar © 2000
- Be very clear that the
violent behavior is unacceptable. This is the first priority. THE
VIOLENCE MUST STOP! VIOLENCE
IS NOT ACCEPTABLE. THERE IS
NO EXCUSE FOR DOMESTIC VIOLENCE!
- DO NOT TELL THE WIFE TO
BE PATIENT AND PRAY, she has used up all her patience before she came
to you for help.
- Do not tell the wife
that she has to obey her husband. Islam has no tolerance for
abuse, violence or zulm...
There is not a
single ayah in the Quran that tells a woman to stay in an abusive or
violent marriage.
- Do not tell the wife to
return home and she should try harder to work it out with her husband... she has already tried that and
it did not work. She would not have come to you if that was
working.
- Make arrangements with
local abuse shelters to work with you. Most will provide
training seminars and workshops for your community.
- Arrange for safe
shelters for the women and children. DO NOT send them back to
the abusive husband. Protect the victim, NOT the abuser.
- If you do not have
programs within your community, DO NOT prevent, stop or discourage
women from seeking help from non-Muslim programs &
professionals. Did the Prophet (saw) not seek help from
non-Muslims in Medina? Did he not send Muslims to live in
non-Islamic countries to avoid persecution in Mecca? What does
that tell you?
- Address the issue of Domestic Violence
in your Khutbas. Islam = PEACE
Peace within yourself, within your home, within the community and with
God. Educate yourself and the community.
- Know for a fact that the children are
also being abused. Anyone working with children is mandated by
law to report all abuse cases to the Division of Family
Services. DFS phone # 1-800-392-3738
- Do not accept the abuser's excuses or his blaming
the victim. Abusers always lie and manipulate. Abusers always present
themselves as reasonable men. They are great manipulators. They LIE
and cover up their lies, pretending that they are listening to what
you tell them. Do not buy into their lies and manipulations.
- Tell the abuser about treatment and other counseling options in your community.
Develop a resource directory.
- HOLD ABUSERS ACCOUNTABLE. Promises to
change are part of the cycle of violence. Unless they are accompanied
by concrete actions, like going for treatment, the promises are
meaningless. He MUST ACCEPT RESPONSIBILITY FOR HIS ACTIONS, then,
if he is serious about changing, he will seek out the help he needs.
- Do not take the abuser's word that the violence
has stopped. Check with the victim of abuse, without him being
present. Often it is necessary for the couple to separate until there
is no more danger of abuse.
- DO NOT encourage marital counseling
until it is clear that the violence has stopped. In relationships of
uneven power, counseling couples together is not appropriate and
increases violence. To work with them
together before the violence has stopped, only serves to endanger the
victim.
- If YOU (Imam) minimize,
disregard or ignore the abuse, if you do not help the victim, then YOU
are condoning abuse, YOU are supporting abuse, YOU will be held
accountable.
- Ask yourself... why did
the Prophet (saw) migrate from Mecca to Medina? What else but to
escape persecution and abuse. What does that tell you?
Women escaping from abusive environments are absolutely within the
boundaries of what Islam teaches. Staying in abusive environments is
UNISLAMIC.
Sūrah ash Shura 42.41-42
But indeed if any do help and defend themselves after a wrong
(done) to them, against such there is no cause of blame.
The blame is only against those who oppress by
wrongdoing and insolently transgress beyond bounds through the land,
defying right and justice: for such there will be a penalty grievous
Sūrah an Nisa' 4.135
"O ye who believe! Stand out firmly for
justice, as witnesses to Allah, even as against yourselves, or your
parents, or your kin, and whether it be (against) rich or poor: for
Allah can best protect both. Follow not the lusts (of your hearts), lest
ye swerve, and if ye distort (justice) or decline to do justice, verily
Allah is well-acquainted with all that ye do."
Sūrah an Nisa'
4.58
"Behold, God bids you to deliver all that you have been entrusted
with unto those who are entitled thereto, and whenever
you judge between people, to judge with justice. Verily, most
excellent is what God exhorts you to do: verily, God is all-hearing,
all-seeing!"
Sūrah an Nisa' 4.148-149:
"God loves not that evil should be
noised abroad in public speech, except where injustice hath been done; for
God is He who heareth and knoweth all things. Whether ye publish a good
deed or conceal it or cover evil with pardon, verily God doth blot out
(sins) and hath power (in the judgment of values)."
Sūrah ad Duha 93.10
And him that seeks thy help shalt thou never chide.
Sūrah 7.33
Say: My Lord has forbidden all atrocities, whether overt or disguised, and
harm (ithm).
Sūrah Baqarah 2.217
Oppression is worse than killing
Sūrah al Anfāl 8.39
And fight against them until there is no more oppression and all worship
is devoted to God alone.
Sūrah
81:8-9
And when the female (infant) buried alive shall be questioned. For what
sin was she killed?
(Note: Is there a difference in physical killing and emotional killing?)
Ahadith
"Support your brother when he commits
or suffers injustice". A man asked the Prophet (pbuh):
"Messenger of God, I understand that I should support him when he
suffers injustice. How do I support him when he is the committer of
injustice?" The Prophet (pbuh) answered: "You
prevent him from doing injustice. That is the best support you give
to him".
"There shall be no infliction of harm on oneself
or others"
On the authority of Abu Saeed Al-Khurdari,
who said: I heard the messenger of Allah say: "Whosoever of you sees
an evil action, let him change it with his hand; and if he is not able to
do so, then with his tongue; and if he is not able to do so, then with his
heart; and that is the weakest of faith."
(Muslim)
The Prophet expressed astonishment at the
cruelty of certain men when he said: "Could any of you beat his wife
as he would beat a slave, and then lie with her in the evening?" Bukhāri
and Muslim.
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