| Healthy vs. Unhealthy
Expression of Anger
Anger is a natural and necessary
emotion. Anger is anger, it is in itself neither right nor wrong,
healthy nor unhealthy. It is the expression of anger that makes it
healthy or unhealthy. When it is expressed appropriately within the
context of a situation it is a necessary emotion. Feeling anger is
different from expressing anger, and it is the inappropriate expression of
anger that makes it unhealthy.
Not feeling any anger in a situation is
just as unhealthy as expressing anger in a rageful, vengeful manner.
eg: when we see a child being beaten cruelly, it is natural to feel anger,
however this does NOT justify the inappropriate expression by yelling,
screaming or beating the abuser. This is healthy anger.
Healthy Anger:
Healthy anger is appropriate to the
situation that evokes it. Healthy expression of anger involves
facing what makes you angry and an effort to set boundaries
for yourself by determining what you will do in response to what makes you
angry.
eg: When you do ________, I feel ______ , and to protect myself I
will _________.
Healthy anger is not used to punish, is not
violent, and is not used to intimidate, control or manipulate the other
person. It is
expressed, discussed and moved through.
Healthy anger is not stuffed down and
ignored. Stuffed anger creates resentment and a myriad of physical, mental and emotional
problems. Healthy anger is not expressed in passive-aggressive and
manipulative ways.
Unhealthy Anger
Unhealthy Anger is a component of abusive
relationships. This kind of anger or rage is experienced with great
intensity and expressed likewise by screaming and yelling, physical
expressions of anger, violence or threats of violence, sulking,
manipulation, emotional blackmail, silent smoldering, and anger used to
punish.
Rage is a shame-based expression of anger.
Rage is by definition abuse. They react to
strong emotions with rage, i.e. feelings of
fear, sadness, shame, inadequacy, guilt or loss convert to rage.
They were typically shamed or punished by
their caretakers for expressing emotion when they were young; i.e.:
"Be a man and don't cry", "Nice girls don't get angry"
or "I'll give you something to cry about".
Raging gives the angry person a feeling of
power - offsetting their shame and feelings of inadequacy.
Unexpressed anger related to childhood
abuses often results in addictive problems later in life. To stuff down
the feelings of shame, anger, isolation, fear, sadness and loss the abuse
creates.
By pushing feelings down it is impossible
to work through feelings and move past them, keeping the person trapped in
a downward spiral.
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