| Barriers to Leaving
The most common question asked about
domestic violence victims is
"Why does she stay?"
The question shows the misunderstanding of
the dynamics of domestic violence.
It also reveals a tendency to blame the victim.
A more appropriate question would be:
"Why does he abuse her?" or "Why can't he be stopped from
hurting his family?"
Instead, the question--"Why does she
stay," --puts the responsibility back on the victim, and is often
followed with the statement, "She must like it."
Women stay in abusive relationships for
many reasons.
They do not stay because they "want to be abused."
A battered woman may believe:
- His
violence is temporary.
- With
loyalty and love, she can make him change.
- His
promises that it will "never happen again".
- It's
her responsibility to keep the family together.
- There
will be more good times.
She may tell herself:
- He's
had a hard life.
- He
needs me.
- All
men are violent; it is to be expected.
- She
may deny or minimize the violence. She may believe her abuser when he
tells her that his abuse is "her fault."
- Many
women do not want the relationship to end; they want the violence to
end.
Fear is a major
factor.
Many women believe their abusers' threats.
She believes he will kill her if she leaves him.
The percent of female murder victims killed
by their intimate partners has remained at about 30 percent since 1976.
(Bureau of Justice Special Report: Intimate Partner Violence, May 2000)
She may fear:
- More
severe abuse.
- Retaliation
if he finds her.
- Destruction
of her belongings or home
- Harm
to her job or reputation.
- Stalking.
- Charging
her with a crime.
- Harming
children, pets, family or friends.
- His
committing suicide
- Court
or police involvement.
At times, women may leave the relationship.
She may return when he begs her to come back, or when she cannot find the
resources to live on her own. She may return because she loves him.
The average
battered woman leaves 7 to 8 times before permanently leaving a
relationship.
Many times she is "caught" in the
Cycle of Violence.
There are many other reasons women stay in
relationships. Some include:
Economics
- Few
job skills.
- Limited
education or work experience.
- Limited
cash.
- No
access to bank account.
- Fear
of poverty.
Pressure from community of faith/family
- Family
expectation to stay in marriage "at any cost".
- Family
denial of the violence.
- Family
blames her for the violence.
- Religion
may disapprove of divorce.
- Religious
leader may tell her to "stay and pray".
Guilt/self doubt
- Guilt
about failure of the relationship
- Guilt
about choosing an abuser
- Feelings
of personal incompetence
- Concern
about independence.
- Loneliness
Concern for Children
- Abuser
may charge her with 'kidnapping' or sue for custody.
- Abuser
may abduct or abuse the children.
- Questions
whether she can care for and support children on her own.
- Fears
losing custody of her children.
- Believes
children need a father.
Lack of community support
- Unaware
of services available to battered women.
- Lack
of adequate childcare.
- Few
jobs.
- Negative
experiences with service providers.
- Lack
of affordable housing.
- Isolated
from community services.
- No
support from family and friends.
Many women in abusive relationships ask
these questions:
No. Studies show that over time, without
intervention, abuse in the home gets more frequent and more violent.
No. Abuse is always wrong. In fact, abuse
in the home is a crime. The victim is never to blame. There is no excuse
for domestic violence.
No. Only the abuser can stop his violent
behavior. Batterer intervention programs may provide knowledge and skills
to stop his violent behavior, but only the abuser can decide whether he
will use them or not.
- Will
Alcoholics Anonymous or Narcotics Anonymous keep him from hitting me?
No. While your partner may need treatment
for alcohol or drug abuse, the abusive behavior can continue even if he
becomes sober or stops abusing drugs. It is recommended that an abuser get
treated for his violence in a specialized intervention program, as well as
for drug and alcohol abuse through substance abuse programs.
Take care of yourself by asking for help.
Call the domestic violence crisis line at (phone #) for information on how
to be safe.
You will be put in touch with the domestic violence shelter program
nearest you.
We care. We will listen.
Remember: No
one deserves to be abused.
Affirmations
I am not to blame for being beaten and abused.
I am not the cause of another person's violent behavior.
I do not like or want abuse.
I deserve to be treated with respect.
I don't want my children to grow up to batter or be battered.
I deserve a safe and happy life.
I am not alone. I can ask others to help me.
I have options.
Source:
Support Network for Battered Women |
