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Question:
Despite my best efforts, I think about my co-wife excessively. Thoughts of her come unbidden to me and disturb my mental peace. Any advice?

Answer:
All thoughts that disturb our mental peace are from our ‘false/ego self’ and they do their job real well… their function is to disturb us!  ;-)   The initial thought is not in our control, it comes to us without any effort on our part.  Our effort is in not letting that thought continue to spiral us downward, ie: not getting ourselves engaged in it.  The victim or ‘poor me’ aspect of self likes to feel sorry for itself.  It triggers thoughts and feelings that make us look at our situation and focus on the negatives.  If we allow ourselves to feed on it, this negative pattern picks up momentum and goes on and on…. Pretty soon it makes one feel that life is nothing but negative and awful.  This is also known as ‘awfulizing’.

Suggestions

1 Examine your own self… Do you harbor negative feelings toward your self, your co-wife or your situation?  This is not for the purpose of beating yourself up, but for your own awareness, so you can work on the underlying feelings that trigger these thoughts.  Usually these are tied to self-esteem issues.  Do you compare yourself to her?  Does she have to be ‘bad’ to make you feel good about yourself?  These are your issues that you would need to work on.

A believer is like a mirror to another.  My guess is some issues are being brought to the forefront that have been a struggle for you in other situations also.  The outward situation may be different but the underlying issues are not new.  So take a deep look at your inner self.  We are put in certain situations in life that will help us grow and evolve in aspects of ourselves.  Life is about self-growth and self-improvement.

2 Practical ways of curbing a thought.  Replace it with a positive thought.  Not easy to do, but it works with practice.  It is almost impossible to stop a thought, but it is not impossible to re-direct it toward something positive. Try to meditate, visualize, do dhikr… see what works for you.  Everyone has to find their own special way of moving to the positive.  Journaling about feelings also helps, it is very cathartic, and often times it reveals significant information about our selves that we may have not been aware of... giving us more food for thought and work. 

3. Remember that we choose how to relate with life’s events.  Your attitude is your choice.  You choose to think, feel and act a certain way.  Make choices with conscious awareness.  If you want to be angry do it consciously, if you want to be peaceful, make that a conscious choice.  This helps in not feeling victimized.  If you want to be miserable do it consciously.  Allow yourself to be miserable all day.  It is almost funny how when we allow ourselves to ‘be’ a certain way it does not feel as powerful or attractive.

A word of caution: just don’t judge yourself as you work through this process of growth.  Nothing makes matters worse than harsh criticism and impatience.  So be gentle with yourself as you learn from yourself and move to a place of inner peace.

Regards
Uzma Mazhar