| Displaced Anger: I never get
angry except at my fiancée
Question:
Hello!
Thanks for taking time out to read this email. I have read the page of disorders & what they symptoms are, although I don't feel like I identified with any ONE in particular. My most noticeable symptom is anger (not violent, but verbal). This is not with everyone, but more so with my fiancée. I used to be such an optimistic person, always happy, things rarely affected me. In fact, when we 1st met, he said "you never get mad at anything"...and I didn't. I don't know what has happened to me over these past 3 years. I now become very angry & fly off the handle at just about everything that comes out of his mouth. It's uncontrollable, very impulsive......which leads us straight to fighting, which then causes me to be in a very depressed state. I am very moody (bipolar, maybe). I get very agitated by things, even other people (although I don't express any anger towards anyone other than my poor fiancée...again, it's all verbal...I never feel violent in any way).
I thought maybe the birth control pill I was taking was the reason behind my mood swings, but I have been off them for about 6 months & it's still the same. This is going to sound very childish, but I am very unbending and I want my fiancée to agree with everything I do/say. Otherwise, I spark an argument! I tried telling myself to wait a few seconds when I get angry, to try & sort things out before I say things I don't mean, but in when I feel enraged, it's hard to stray from what I feel & become logical. I eat well, I sleep well, although I do have a lack of energy. I do not think about harming myself or anyone else. I just can't seem to figure out, why I have this onset impulsive anger thing going on & where it came from??? I want to be the "Happy go lucky" person I used to be & not let little things that don't matter ruin me (along w/my relationship).
Again, thanks for your time!!
Sincerely, D
Response:
Hello D
Seems like your fiancée is triggering some unresolved issues in you. Anger and control... lethal combination ;-)
You mentioned that you never get angry... that is not normal, everyone feels angry about something or the other. However, if expressing anger is fearful and somehow dangerous in your experience, one learns to 'stuff' it deep inside them. When one is in a safe relationship, one tends to let it out inappropriately. And the 'poor
fiancée' gets the brunt of all that cumulative anger. ;-)
Think of it this way... like a pressure cooker, we need to let off steam, if we don't we will explode. If you do not learn to let off steam appropriately you will explode at the person you feel safest with.
Control and wanting things your way is often associated with growing up in an abusive environment. Real or perceived loss of control triggers
fear and anger.
I believe you will greatly benefit from therapy, learning about your source of anger; and directing that anger at the source (in therapy) will help you from displacing it on others. Old emotional baggage has a way of sneaking into everything.
Hope this helps.
Regards
Uzma Mazhar
Response from D
FABULOUS response & very true! I will check into receiving therapy, should
my insurance cover such treatment. I appreciate your time & words of wisdom!
Sincerely, D
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