| Depression, Suicidal
Ideation & Sexuality
Question:
Dear doctor,
I am 34 year old woman who is a complete mess and so do not know where to
start from. Right now issues on my sexuality and thereby the impossible
emotional relationships I get into bother me terribly. I am in a
relationship with another woman for the past 4 years, now she is getting
married and moving away. I feel humiliated, distraught, abnormal and very
suicidal. I have had a rather disturbed childhood with an alcoholic
(sometimes violent) father who was also getting into many relationships
with other women which I had to personally confront. From my late teenage
I have been in and out of deep relationships with friends of the same sex
- kind of falling in love and staying (to make it very clear these
girls/women found me very attractive and would do anything for me). I have
also had many crushes on men but things never worked out. Was married but
had it annulled since I could not bring myself for a physical relationship
with the person. I think I also have the condition of female sexual
disorder. When I was a child I also have been exposed to the male
genitalia of some men who got a kick out of it - I am not sure whether ot
amounts of sexual abuse. I do fall for men but feel inadequate. I am
totally messed up, disgusted with myself and depressed. Can you help?
I have been consulting a psychiatrist for depression but cannot open up in
a biased society.
Thanks
Response:
Hello
It is natural to feel some depression when a relationship breaks up.
The priority in this situation is to deal with suicidal ideation/plan
first. Nothing is worth giving up your life for, since all these issues
can be healed. You need to find a therapist (asap) who deals with
gay and lesbian issues, adult children of alcoholics and sexual abuse
issues. All these are factors that need to be addressed seriously.
None are impossible to heal from. Sexual problems are often a way of
keeping and maintaining distance, and you will find that as you heal from
the underlying issues these will also heal.
Sexual abuse includes being exposed inappropriately. Growing up in
an alcoholic and violent home leaves many scars, it affects the way a
person thinks about themself and others, and thus shapes their belief
system. If a person learns that relationships do not last, and
include betrayal and abandonment; they find relationships that will repeat
similar patterns. You seem to be repeating some of the patterns that
you saw in your father, and reproducing the same emotional content that
you probably experienced as a child. This can be painful but at the
same time they are providing you an opportunity to learn and heal from the
old behavior patterns.
Hope you will look at your pain as a means of healing.
Regards,
Uzma Mazhar
Follow-up:
Dear Doctor,
Thank you for your prompt and rather detailed response. I wonder what
motivates people like to you to spend time for total strangers in this
manner? Let me express my gratitude on behalf of the thousands who face
such problems and do not have the guts to open up to someone directly.
What you have said makes complete sense. In fact I have been also thinking
on the same lines, except for the fact that I did not realise that
children with such problems tend to repeat such behaviours! I think
I also envy my other friends since I realised my background had something
to do with the complications in my life - too much dependency on
relationships and going haywire when it falls apart. I also have this
uncontrollable rage against my parents - although my mother had nothing to
do with it; she was also a victim who did her best to protect her
daughter. Incidently I happen to be a social scientist with a doctorate on
AIDS and work a lot on reproductive health of women. What an irony!
Your advice does give me some hope. But the first hurdle is to open up to
a therapist. The fear that they would also be biased (thats what I have
found in my professional work) and tell me uncomplimentary things keep me
off. I will try. If you say healing is possible, I guess I should try
although it has become quite complicated now.
Unless I get out of suicidal ideation every now and then for hours on end,
I cannot take the first step for betterment.
Thank you once again
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