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| Custody: Muslim Mother,
non-Muslim Father
Question: I am 23 years old single mother living in
Canada. I have a two years old son living with me since he was born.
Unfortunately I made a mistake that I was with a person who was not a
muslim and I had child from him. After I had my kid, through his
families’ non Islamic customs and traditions I came to realize that it
was not right to raise my child under their customs. I felt that I had to
raise my son according to islam and I left my partner. It was not easy to
do so but Allah gave me the power and patience to do it. Thanks to Allah I
have been dealing with it all right but there is a problem of custody. My
ex-partner wants to see my son very often and have very close relationship
with him. It has been two years and he still hasn’t give up the desire
to see his son, despite my reluctant and rude attitude towards him.
Although I know he has the right to see his son sometimes I am still
fighting against him hopelessly in court. I know that, court will not
decide in favor of me but I believe in my heart that my son should not see
his non-believer father and get bad influences from him. My question would be; in an Islamic
perspective, does the non-believer have the same rights as the believer?
And in my specific case should I ignore the Canadian laws and my ex
partner? What kind of rights he has got over his son
in Islamic perspective, considering that he is not a believer? I am really desperate to get my sons full
custody. If, with your experience and knowledge, you can advice me
anything, I would greatly appreciate. I am looking forward to hear from
you. May Allah reward you for your service to humanity…
Response: I am not an expert on Islamic Law so I
can't give you guidance from that perspective. My understanding is that since children are
a trust in the care of their parents, the parents are to do what is in the
best interest of the child. Children
need both their parents. One
parent cannot replace another. As
your child grows he will demand to know where his father is.
You need to be able to give him an honest answer. I guess we can apply the Islamic principles
of caring for foster children in this situation.
Foster parents are required to not change the name of the child but
to give the child the name and identity of the biological parents... whoever the
parent might be. I don't
believe that it is allowed to separate them from their parents either. Islam teaches us to respect and honor our
parents, even if they are not Muslim.
The only time disobedience to parents is allowed is if they ask us
to do something that is against Islamic principles.
So the responsibility is on you to raise him in such a manner that
he respects his father, but is also able to tell right from wrong. There are some cases of the companions of the Prophet (saw)
who were so kind and caring of their non-Muslim parents that later the
parents embraced Islam. I believe this is one of the most important
aspects of Islam... to be kind, compassionate and caring, to be just and
fair and to protect the rights of non-Muslims and thus show them by
example the spirit of Islam so they are drawn to it.
In your situation, it would be unfair and unjust to separate a
father from his child just because of his faith.
Now, if the father was abusive and violent, that would be entirely
different... in that case it would be your duty to protect your child from
any harm. I think a better approach would be to have
a working relationship with the father of the child and discuss your
concern about raising him in an ethical and moral manner.
I believe this will also eliminate a future problem... if you
separate them then when the child is old enough he will want to go find
his father, then he might be angry and resentful of you for keeping his
father away from him. Child-rearing
is difficult even for parents who have the same faith, and more so when
parents have different faiths... but as adults, parents need to come to an
amicable solution that will be in the best interest of the child.
I think separating him from his father can backfire... in later
life your child may come to hate you for it, and maybe even Islam,
believing that it kept him from his father. Living in Canada, the child will have to
deal with many non-Islamic issues once he starts school and meets children
from different faiths... you cannot prevent that.
Your responsibility is to explain to him why and how Islamic values
are important. We cannot live
in a cocoon... Islam does not encourage isolating ourselves from other
faiths, instead it teaches us to interact with them in the best manner and
to be respectful of other faiths. Another important aspect is that not all
non-Muslims are necessarily a bad influence.
I have met many non-Muslims who are very moral and ethical people.
And I have come across many Muslims who are immoral and unethical.
I believe that some Muslims hide under the cover of Islam and
assume that it makes them moral and ethical; and very unfairly judge
people of other faiths as less than them... this is an extremely unIslamic
attitude that Muslims need to avoid for in the long run it hurts us. Generally, I don't care for taking issues
to court... so if you can make an amicable decision that is always better.
Legal battles don't always serve your interest.
Have you thought about how you will handle this situation if the
child is taken from your custody? What
if the court gives both of you joint custody?
It will be smarter to handle it in a mature manner instead of this
narrow-minded, myopic perspective you are taking. You have not mentioned any specific issues
that you have a problem with your son's father so I have given a general
answer. Your specific
situation may be different and might require a different approach. Finally, a very important issue you need to
figure out for your self. Are you feeling guilty and ashamed of having a
relationship and child out of wedlock?
And is that guilt and shame making you go to the other extreme and
make the child the pawn by having such a puritanical reaction to his
relationship with his father? This
is important for you to resolve otherwise it will keep cropping up and you
will not be able to make fair and just decisions for yourself or your
child. Swinging from one
extreme to another is not healthy if it is done to atone your guilt
without addressing the underlying guilt and shame.
If your train of thought is: I did this unIslamic thing and if I
become extremely Islamic then I will be forgiven.
This kind of thinking can be very harmful, because you are not
basing your decisions on what is just and fair but on what will be the
opposite of your old way of thinking and being.
Keeping a balanced and fair/just way is what Islam requires of
Muslims. Hope this helps. Regards, Response to the
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