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Codependent or Abusive Question: I recently came
across some of your articles on different psychological disorders.
I am Muslim and interested in pursuing a similar type of work as yourself.
I have been doing an online advice column for a few years at www.xxx.com.
The column is entitled, "Ask xxx" and is sort of a Muslim-style
Dear Abby. My question however regards another matter. I am currently single and for the past three mos. have been corresponding with a Muslim brother in another state with the intentions of exploring possibilities for marriage, inshaAllah. To make a long story short, we seem to be very compatible in many ways and I was interested to move toward marriage. In the beginning through emailing, he expressed that he had been "very restrictive" with his first wife of many years ago and that he regretted that and would never be that way again. She was Muslim and the marriage ended in divorce. He seems to display many of the signs of a codependent personality, I think having suffered emotional abuse from his father as a child. We are both in our fifties now. I believe that he truly wants to marry again but fears he will treat another Muslim wife in the same way. He has said as much through different emails he has sent to me. I have developed an attraction to him and would be willing to be supportive of him (emotionally, that is) in dealing with this problem. I think though he would need to submit to some kind of program to assist himself. He is a good Muslim in all other ways. He has a very
good job, has a Masters in Islamic Studies and has no substance
abuse problems. He is trying to overcome this in his own way, which
probably isn't working, because he stills seems uneasy about the prospect
of another marriage. Please advise, I
have grown to care for him very much. May Allah (SWT) reward
your efforts. ma'a salaama, Response: Be very cautious... this guy does not look
like a co-dependent but abusive. Restricting
the life of another person is abusive... telling them what to do, say,
wear, etc are controlling behaviors.
Controlling people can also be very charming and easy to get along
with... until you cross them. The
fact that he is aware of it as a problem is good.
But unless he is actively working on changing his patterns of
behavior it is not worth much. It would be a good idea to talk about
specifics, especially his previous marriage... in what ways was he
restrictive, how did he control, how does he manage his anger, how does he
resolve problems and differences. Discuss
issues that can be controversial and see how tolerant he is of
differences. How willing is
he to let go of his opinions... ie: not imposing them on others.
How has he changed? Three months is a very short time to really
know a person. I don't mean
to imply that people don't change, of course they do... but it is a long,
difficult and ongoing process. Meet
him, talk to him and keep an eye out for how he treats you, your opinions,
feelings and freedom. The fact that he is hesitant in making a
commitment is also important... has he changed or is he just thinking of
changing? If he is not
convinced that he has changed enough that should be a clue that should not
be overlooked. It would be interesting to see if he would
be willing to take some anger management classes.
Controlling people tend to have a problem with expressing anger in
an appropriate way. Hope this helps. Regards, |