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| Codependency: Islamic
Perspective
Question: I would like to find out more about co-dependency from an Islamic perspective. I am only a new revert to Islam but a few years ago I was diagnosed as having co-dependent character traits. I would like to try and explain my life history briefly: I grew up in I guess a dysfunctional family, my mother was always yelling at my father and was uncontrollable emotionally. Eventually they divorced when I was about age 8. A therapist told me that I ended up being my Mother's emotional support, so much that I ended up feeling responsibility for her needs and basically neglected my own. I am now 36years old and through the years I have been a very quiet person, always expressed a smile and willingness to please people but inside I was very lonely and sad person. A few years ago I went to visit a therapist, when she made me aware of co-dependency I felt so much anger in me, maybe it triggered something in me but since then I have tried hard not to extend a helping hand and try to say no when I don't want to do something someone asks me to do. But people become angry at me when I say "no" so sometimes I try to please and then I end up feeling angry in myself. I know I did not want to do something so I fight with myself and tell myself why did I do that and I end up feeling so upset and I often just have bouts of crying. Before I became a revert to Islam I was trying to find God. I was born into a Catholic family and last Christmas and friend introduced me to his Church and i started to go. There I found they ran a recovery class for people who suffer depression and fatigue and loneliness. I tried to attend the course but I could not go forward because of never believed since I was a child that Jesus Christ was God, I only found out when I started learning about Islam that this is how muslims felt too. But anyway, I did not reveal my true beliefs to the counsellor running the recovery class but I always suspected that they were angry with me because I did not embrace Jesus Christ as God the way they did nor did I enjoin in their prayer. I am now a muslimah but I still have so much pain and hurt in me and so much anger that I don't know how to deal with it. I have read articles about these anxieties and depression are acts of distractions by the devil and that one should read the Quran as the source of medicine. I just need a guiding hand as to how and where to start because I feel so hopeless doing it on my own so I am writing for some help. I hope that you can help me. Thanking you in advance. Response: You raised a very interesting question...
looking at co-dependency from an Islamic perspective.
;-) Islam is a religion that teaches us to be
honest with others and ourself. To
not follow anything just because that is what our 'forefathers' did, but
to examine what is right and follow that.
It also teaches us to help those who do wrong by stopping them from
continuing on that wrong path. Keeping this in mind, a co-dependent tends
to do/be what others want even when they know it is not right. This means we are not honest and sincere... which goes
against the teachings of Islam. Co-dependents
also continue to do whatever it takes to keep peace in the family and to
avoid making waves... this also goes against Islamic teachings... ie:
doing what is right which at times will mean going against what the family
(forefathers) believe. Dealing
with the family's anger and displeasure is the stress that is part of this
struggle to do the right thing. We
are asked to do what is right even if it is going against our own family. Even though this refers to giving legal testimony I believe
it applies to everyday life as well... because unless we make it a habit
to stand up for what is right we will not be able to know the difference. As far as resentment is concerned, it will
set in when we are not respecting our own needs.
This is also not allowed in Islam.
There are ahādīth that teach us that our bodies have rights on
us... ie: we are supposed to take care of our needs or it will have a
negative impact on us. This
includes physical, mental and emotional needs.
When we start taking care of ourself then it is easier to help
others without being resentful or feeling forced.
This helps us in being honest and having pure intentions. Islam also forbids all forms of abusive
behaviors, whether these are mental, emotional or physical. It is important to recognize that we will
feel depressed and anxious when we are not being honest and sincere with
ourself. That is why
intention is what Allah Ta'ala looks at.
I have yet to come across a client who does not feel depressed and
anxious when they are going against and in conflict with their inner
belief of what is right. As regards to reading the Quran... there is
much healing in it. Sūrah
Fatiha is also known as Sūrah al Shifa, ie: chapter of healing.
Sūrah an Nās (114) and Sūrah al Falaq (113) are very effective
in dealing with depression and anxiety. If you contemplate the meanings of these Sūrah it will help you understand how depression and anxiety affects us. eg: 113. 2,3... This evil and darkness is the depth of despair felt when one is depressed as it is when we feel the furthest away from Allah Ta'ala. eg: 114.4,5 These whisperings are the doubts and fears
that beset a person who is depressed and anxious. So the bottom line is that Islam teaches us
to be full of courage, strength and trust... to fear no one so that we
don't waste our life pleasing others but to stand up for what is right. Having said this... this is not easy, it
takes time and effort. We can
accomplish this by being gentle, kind and patient with ourself.
It is not going to happen overnight... but it will happen, InshaAllah. Hope this helps. |