|
submit
articles |
| Abusive Husband: Family
Pressure to Return Question: I remarried at the age of 29.This was an
alliance seeked by my relatives and family. He is a divorcee with a son
who is in the mothers custody. he is 32 yrs of age. My only association
with him was over the phone and the only day i saw him was the day of the
nikah. It turned out to my ill fate that he was an abuser. He controlled
me, suspected me ,assaulted me and after reaching the US..threatened me
with the violation of my green card. despite all my trials...he never
wanted to understand me. It was a cycle. 2 days i would be his "life".
The next 2 days I would be a slut.........I am more qualified than
him..but i was willing to take it easy career wise just to make him feel
important. His parents abused me too. I told my parents that I needed
help.. they didnt want to. One day when he locked me in the room and told
me that i was a woman with massive ego and i was proud of my beauty and he
would teach me a lesson of his life after he got back form work. I begged
him to forgive me and not ot hurt me but his mom said that she would keep
an eye on me and make sure that I do not run away. Scared with the
threats..i ran to the phone and dialled 911.They came immediately and from
there took me to a shelter since I saw no point in going to my parents
house as he would come there and take me back. There i filed for an order My aunt to whom I was very close to (my
fathers sister) was terminally with pancreatic cancer. She was
hospitalized during my stay at the shelter. Upon speaking to her family I
learnt that the doctors didn’t give her much time. I was devastated.
Upon reaching ----- I was shocked to see my husband at her bedside. My
aunt was very fond of him as he was very affectionate in public. She told
me that if I had any love for her she wanted me to give it another try as
he had promised her that he would never ill-treat me or threaten me. My
aunt passed away the next day. I decided to give it a try. He was good for
15 days and this was when we were staying with my parents as his parents
wanted nothing to do with us anymore as they felt that I haad disgraced
their family. They also took away the jewellery that they gave me. My
husband works for his father and was facing tension there. Me and my
husband had a court hearing for retaining my order of protection for 2
yrs. He convinced me that now that we were together there was no need for
it at all. He swore upon his son that things would be good. We moved into
our own apartment and the same old arguments and verbal abuse began again.
This time the reason was having to move out of his parents house and how arrogant I was to have him served with the order of protection. Things got
gruesome again and even more so after talking with his parents. I told him
that marital Yesterday for some reason he was upset and
he didn’t tell me what it was…in fact the argument began after I
retaliated and asked him exactly what was it he wanted from me. That’s
it…he throttled me and pushed me He called me a whore who had
relationships with hindu guys and I just slapped him and ran out the door.
He chased after me in his car to my parents and yelled and lunged for my
throat in front of my crippled father. Response: Your life with your husband is showing you
how difficult and impossible a situation you were living in.
Allah Ta'ala in His mercy has freed you of the abuse.
It is difficult to maintain peace and hope at times like this, but InshaAllah,
Allah Ta'ala will give you the strength for it also. There are some verses in the Quran that I
feel apply to these kinds of situations. Sûrah ash Shura 42.39 Sûrah ash Shura 42.41-42 The blame is only against those who oppress
by wrongdoing and insolently transgress beyond bounds through the land,
defying right and justice: for such there will be a penalty grievous Sûrah an Nisa' 4.97-100: Except those who are (really) weak and oppressed -- men, women, and children who cannot bring forth any strength and have not been shown the right way. For these, there is hope that Allah will forgive for Allah doth blot out (sins) and forgive again and again. He who forsakes his home in the cause of
Allah, finds in the earth many a lonely road, as well as life's abundant
refuge. And if anyone leaves his home, fleeing from evil unto God and His
Apostle, and then death overtakes him - his reward is ready with God: for
God is indeed much-forgiving, a dispenser of Grace. According to Qur'anic teaching, a Muslim's
ultimate loyalty must be to God and not to any territory. To fulfill his
Prophetic mission, the Prophet Muhammad decided to leave his place of
birth, Mecca, and emigrated to Medina. This event (Hijrah) has great
personal and spiritual significance for Muslims who are called upon to
move away from their place of origin if it becomes an abode of evil and
oppression where they cannot fulfill their obligations to God or establish
justice. Allah Ta'ala has stressed the importance of
fighting against oppression and asked us to leave such situations. We are not to live in oppressive conditions.
The tragedy is that our societies have made it such that women are
expected to tolerate abuse and nobody helps them.
This is a zulm against humanity.
Instead of protecting women against abuse society expects them to
stay there and put up with it. This
is absolutely against Islamic teachings. Marriage is an institution to be valued
only when it is peaceful and loving.
Islam does not expect women to victimize themselves... it is for
justice and peace for all. So
be very grateful that Allah Ta'ala helped you get out of this situation. Single life is not easy, but it is
absolutely possible. There is
good in everything Allah does... the good in your situation will become
apparent to you as time goes on. What
Allah wants from you will also become clear to you.
There is a lesson in all our experiences.
The more courage and faith you have, the more you trust Allah to
guide you the easier it will become for you, inshallah.
Never give up hope... Allah Ta'ala is always with us even when we
don't feel His presence. Focus
on yourself, take care of yourself. Allah
Ta'ala has provided you another chance to build your life.
Look for your strengths... you have plenty even if you can't see it
right now. It takes strength
and will to put up with abuse for so long.
Always remember Islam is about justice and peace, not zulm of any
kind. May Allah Ta'ala protect and guide you
always. Follow up
Question Thank You for
giving me hope and consolation. I really appreciate
the Quranic quotes that you sent me. I
have never in my life oppressed anyone and have always
fought for justice. My family has always resolved
conflicts -be it marital or otherwise.
Unfortunately when it came to my issues they have
been blinded by society's influence. They speak of izzat
and shame. Just because I have voiced against oppression..they
call me rebellious. I feel extremely hurt
that my own family couldnt understand me. Today I stay
with an aunt, may Allah shower His blessings on her.
My mom still believes that had I not retaliated against
my husband...we would have been together. She says
that I'm unfit for anyman. She has also called me to
let me know that he is weeping and has consulted some
mulla who explained that for divorce to take palce
there have to be 2 witnesses from his side and
2 from my side. I had my father and
brother present at the time. Moreover,
the mulla has also said that 3 talaqs at the
time of anger is not considered talaq. I would like to
be enlightened on this. Follow up Response It is very difficult for 'healthy' families
to understand abuse... they don't know that it has nothing to do with the
woman saying or doing anything that causes it.
Abusive men abuse, they create situations to abuse because they are
abusive. So whether you said
something or not, whether you made him angry or not is not the real reason
why he abused you. It is not
a cause and effect relationship. A
woman's retaliation is not what makes a person abuse his wife... that is
the excuse he uses to cover up his actions.
Sane people don't resort to violence and abuse even when they get
angry. Most abusive men have a very charming,
loving side that they show to everyone else... which fools them into
believing that he is not as bad as the woman says he is.
They don't show the abusive side to everyone.
The drama of crying and playing on the emotions of others to get
their way is a common game for abusive men.
It does not last for long... you have already seen that. Sometimes families react this way because
they don't know enough about the severity of the abuse or how often it
happened. In dealing with
your family: Tell them some details of the abuse.
You need to ask them how your father treated your mother, or your
brothers treat their wives? Would
it be OK for them to hit their wife for any reason?
Your family is reacting out of fear... make her think rationally
and logically. Some scholars say that 3 talaqs at the same
time is counted as one, while others say that extenuating circumstances
and the intention of the man is what has to be taken into account at such
a time. Even if this is taken
as one talaq... so now the man has the choice of taking his wife back...
but it does NOT mean that the wife has to agree with him... she can't be
forced to go back because he wants her back.
No mullah can force a woman to give up her freedom of choice. But the most important thing for you to
know is that regardless of what the mullah, your husband or your family
says... if you do not want this marriage to continue they cannot force it
on you. That is the Islamic
way. Without the willingness
of the woman she is NOT to be given in marriage because she is not the
property of the men in the household. Sûrah An Nisa 4:19 Sûrah An Nisa 4:128 Sûrah Al-Baqarah 2. 231 You may want to check crescentlife.com for
more on divorce. In the
‘Human Rights’ section under ‘Divorce’.
And in the ‘FAQ’ section the question titled: ‘Abandonment,
Divorce, Women's Rights’. Also
check the 'Domestic Violence' page under 'PsychIssues' for many related
articles. The bottom line is this... you have to
decide what you are willing to live with... it will be tough.
If you want to return and give it another try then that is your
choice and you should do it with open eyes... knowing how he will treat
you once he has stopped playing nice guy.
If you don't want to put yourself through more abuse then you need
to take matters in your own hands and file for a divorce through the legal
system. Educate yourself, empower yourself... and
fight for your Islamic rights. Allah
Ta'ala has given you the permission to get a divorce, He does not expect
women to stay married when they are abused... don't let anyone take your
rights away. There are
ahadith in which women asked the Prophet (saw) for divorce on much less
serious problems and he granted it to them.
A marriage works only when both want to be in that relationship wholeheartedly. So the more you study about such thing the more empowered you
will feel. The more
conviction you have that you are doing the right thing the less other
people can make you doubt your decisions and actions. Take care. |