Tips for Better
Marital Relationship
Ibrahim Bowers
Although many Muslims may right now be in
failing marriages and on a fast track to divorce and its terrible
consequences, there are many ways to put their marriage back on the right
track if the husband and wife are sincere in their desire to reconcile.
The following principles can be used by Muslims whose marriages are
already in trouble or by Muslims who would like to avoid trouble in their
marriage.
Examples of Negative
Relationship of Husband & Wife
Many Muslim husbands and wives treat
each other like adversaries rather than partners. The husband feels that
he is the boss, and whatever he says goes. The wife feels that she must
squeeze everything she can out of her husband. Some wives never show their
husband that they are satisfied with anything he does or buys for them in
order to trick him into doing and buying more. They make him feel like a
failure if he does not give them the lifestyle that their friends and
families enjoy. Some husbands speak very harshly to their wives, humiliate
them, and even physically abuse them. Their wives have no voice or opinion
in the family.
Marriage In The Eyes of
Allah
It is very sad that this relationship
which Allah (SWT) has established for the good has been made a source of
contention, deception, trickery, tyranny, humiliation, and abuse. This is
not the way marriage is supposed to be.
Allah (SWT) described marriage very
differently in the Holy Quran: '. . . He created for you mates from among
yourselves, that ye may dwell in tranquility with them, and He has put
love and mercy between your (hearts) . . . " (Holy Quran 30:21, Yusuf
Ali Translation).
Do not be a Tyrant
Regardless of whether or not Islam has
made the husband the head of the household, Muslims are not supposed to be
dictators and tyrants. We are taught to treat our wives well. The Prophet
Muhammad (SAWS) was reported to have said: 'The most perfect Muslim in the
matter of faith is one who has excellent behavior; and the best among you
are those who behave best towards their wives" (From Mishkat al-Masabih,
No. 0278(R) Transmitted by Tirmidhi).
Be Partners in the Decision
Making Process.
Follow the principle of 'Shura,"
and make decisions as a family. There will be much more harmony in the
family when decisions are not imposed and everyone feels that they had
some part in making them.
Never be Abusive
Never be emotionally, mentally, or
physically abusive to your spouse. The Prophet (SAWS) never mistreated his
wives. He is reported to have said: 'How could they beat their women in
daytime as slaves and then sleep with them in the night?"
Be Careful of Your Words
Be very careful what you say when you
are upset. Sometimes you will say things that you would never say when you
were not angry. If you are angry, wait until you calm down before
continuing the conversation.
Show Affection
Show affection for your mate. Be kind, gentle, and loving.
Be Your Spouse's
Friend
Show interest in your mate's life. Too often, we live in the same house
but know nothing about each other's lives. It would be great if the
husband and wife could work together for the same cause or on the same
project. They could perhaps establish a husband/wife prison ministry, take
care of orphans in their home, or lead an Islamic weekend class.
Show Appreciation
Show appreciation for what your spouse
does for the family. Never make your husband feel that he is not doing
good enough for the family or that you are not satisfied with his work or
his efforts, unless, of course, he is truly lazy and not even trying to
provide for the family. The Prophet (SAWS) was reported to have said: 'On
the Day of Judgment, God will not look upon the woman who has been
ungrateful to her husband." (where is this hadith found) Show your
wife that you appreciate her. If she takes care of the house and the
children, don't take it for granted. It is hard work, and no one likes to
feel unappreciated.
Work Together in the
House
The Prophet (SAWS) is known to have helped his wives in the house. And if
the Prophet (SAWS) was not above doing housework, modern Muslim husbands
shouldn't feel that they are.
Communication is
Important
Communication, Communication, Communication! This is the big word
in counseling. And it should be. Husbands and wives need to talk to each
other. It is better to deal with problems early and honestly than to let
them pile up until an explosion occurs.
Forget Past Problems
Don't bring up past problems once they have been solved.
Live Simply
Don't be jealous of those who seem to be living a more luxurious life than
your family. The 'rizq" is from Allah (SWT). In order to develop the
quality of contentment, look at those people who have less than you, not
those who have more. Thank Allah (SWT) for the many blessings in your
life.
Give Your Spouse Time
Alone
If your mate doesn't want to be with you all the time, it doesn't mean he
or she doesn't love you. People need to be alone for various reasons.
Sometimes they want to read, to think about their problems, or just to
relax. Don't make them feel that they are committing a sin.
Admit Your Mistakes
When you make a mistake, admit it. When your mate makes a mistake, excuse
him or her easily. If possible, never go to sleep angry at each other.
Physical Relationship
is Important
Be available to your mate sexually, and don't let your sexual relationship
be characterized by selfishness. The Prophet (SAWS) was reported to have
said: 'It is not appropriate that you fall upon your wives like a beast
but you must send a message of love beforehand."
Have Meals Together
Try to eat together as a family when possible. Show the cook and the
dishwasher, whether it is the husband or the wife, appreciation for his or
her efforts. The Prophet (SAWS) did not complain about food that was put
before him.
Be Mindful of Your
discussion Topics
Never discuss with others things about your marriage that your spouse
wouldn't like you to discuss, unless there is an Islamic reason to do so.
Some husbands and wives, believe it or not, complain to others about their
mate's physical appearance. This is a recipe for disaster. Information
about your intimate relations should be kept between you and your spouse.
Many of us treat our spouses in ways that
we would never treat others. With others, we try to be polite, kind, and
patient. With our spouses, we often do not show these courtesies. Of
course, we are usually with our spouses at our worst times --- when we are
tired and frustrated after a hard day. After a bad day at the office,
husbands usually come home angry and on edge. The wife has probably also
had a hard day with the children and the housework. Wives and husbands
should discuss this potential time bomb so that if they are short-tempered
with each other during these times, they will understand the reasons
rather than automatically thinking that their spouse no longer loves them.
Good marriages require patience, kindness,
humility, sacrifice, empathy, love, understanding, forgiveness, and hard
work. Following these principles should help any marriage to improve. The
essence of them all can be summed up in one sentence: Always treat your
spouse the way you would like to be treated. If you follow this rule, your
marriage will have a much greater chance for success. If you discard this
rule, failure is just around the corner.
Source: Sound Vision
www.soundvision.com
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