| Teaching Your Child Self
Control
Learning to handle behavioral outbursts and
temper tantrums is as much of a part of parenting as feeding your infant
or helping your child learn to ride a bike. Bouts of fussiness and
behavior problems can happen anywhere, and they can be handled more easily
if your child learns some early lessons about self-control.
What Is Self-Control?
Self-control is the ability to make choices about how one behaves and acts
rather than relying on impulses. Instead of acting on instinct or
immediate impulse, self-control means that children - and parents - pause
and evaluate a situation and the consequences that may result from their
behavior. For example, if you tell your child that she may not have ice
cream until the afternoon, her first reaction might be to cry, plead, or
even throw a temper tantrum in the hopes that you will give in to her
request. In contrast, a child who has a better sense of self-control might
be more likely to understand the consequences of such a tantrum - perhaps
not getting any ice cream - and therefore wait until the afternoon.
By exercising self-control, your child can
learn to make appropriate decisions and choose behaviors that will be more
likely to have positive outcomes.
Why Is Self-Control Important?
Without self-control, a child will say and do things without thinking
about the consequences. Not only can this put them in frustrating
situations - which can make it even harder to use self-control - but it
can also put them in dangerous ones (such as the choice to use drugs or
drink alcohol). Teaching your child self-control will help her get along
with her peers and family members, and it also will help keep her safe.
Self-control is critical for getting along
with other people. It's thinking before acting, like looking before
crossing the street. Self-control prevents impulsive behavior that may
have dangerous or negative consequences.
How Can You Help Your Child Learn
Self-Control?
Just as with other aspects of maturing and growing up, the
lessons of self-control should be age-appropriate. Here are a
few suggestions on how you can help your child learn to control her
behavior:
birth to age 2:
Infants and toddlers frequently experience frustration because there's a
large discrepancy between the things they want to do and their actual
skill level. Children at this young age can have a hard time sleeping
through the night, never mind exercising self-control. But you can start
using this time to set good examples for your child by controlling your
own behavior. Very young children often can be distracted from frustrating
situations with fun activities. And by the time your child is 2, you can
use a brief time-out (not more than a couple of minutes) to show that
there are consequences for outbursts and to demonstrate that it's best to
take some time alone when you become frustrated or upset.
ages 3 to 5:
At this developmental stage, you can continue to use time-outs (and
lengthen the time used to match your child's age) to give your child a
chance to cool off. For many children, it's better to end time-out as soon
as the child has calmed down rather than sticking to a specific time
limit. This can be a powerful way to encourage improved self-control. You
should also praise your child for not losing control in situations that
are frustrating or difficult.
ages 6 to 9:
As your child enters school, she is probably better able to understand the
idea of consequences. Children at this age are also beginning to
understand that they can control their behavior and make choices. Now is
the time to give your child the strategies she needs to do that. Showing
your child how to stop and think about her actions by visualizing a stop
sign or red light. You can then use this opportunity to evaluate different
ways of responding to a specific situation and the potential consequences
(both good and bad) that might occur. Another way to get your child to
control her impulses is to help her relax in stressful circumstances that
could result in an outburst. Teach your child to take a few deep breaths
or to walk away from a dangerous or upsetting situation. In addition, many
children can calm themselves by engaging in a pleasurable activity that
takes their mind off of the stress they are experiencing.
ages 10 to 12:
Older children are better able to understand, figure out and analyze the
way they think. Encourage your child to think about the situation that is
causing her to lose control and then analyze it - sometimes the situations
that make people upset are not as awful as they seem or it will be easier
to know what to do after having some time to think.
ages 13 to 17:
At this point, your child should be able to control most of her actions.
However, it's important to remember that teenagers are not very good at
evaluating the long-term consequences of their actions. Encourage your
child to continue developing her visualization and relaxation exercises.
Also encourage your child to talk through troubling situations rather than
losing control, slamming doors, or yelling. Parental discipline, such as
loss of privileges, may be necessary to reinforce the message that
self-control is an important skill.
Set a good example
for your child and show her how to control her impulses.
Think out loud, let your child know how you think in a crisis. For
example, if you're stuck in traffic, take a deep breath and say 'Well,
we'll get there the best we can' instead of reacting in a negative or
angry way. By controlling your own actions, you can show your child
healthy ways to react to stressful situations.
Talking to Your Child When She Loses
Self-Control
It's very important not to lose control yourself.
Acting as a model will show your child how she should be acting. It's
important to be firm and matter of fact when addressing your child. Calmly
let her know that losing control is unacceptable and has consequences and
explain what those consequences are. Resist the urge
to yell - that can only escalate the situation - when disciplining
your child.
What to Do When Your Child Is Out of
Control
An occasional temper tantrum or outburst may be best handled if you don't
give your child any reaction. For example, if your child gets upset at the
grocery store after you've explained why she can't have any candy, the
best way to let her know that tantrums are unacceptable is to not give in
to one.
Children who lose control infrequently or
have an occasional temper tantrum are cause for little worry. But if your
child is continually argumentative, antisocial, or impulsive, or if
tantrums last for more than 10 minutes on a regular basis, it's time to
talk to your child's doctor.
For school-age children, other signs that
indicate it might be a good idea to call your child's doctor include:
- restlessness
- impulsiveness
- defiance
- difficulty in concentrating
- low self-esteem
- declining performance in school
In younger children, parents should watch
out for signs of severe tantrums, repeated accidents, an inability to be
soothed, or excessive self-soothing behaviors, like rocking or
thumb-sucking.
You might also consider talking to your
child's teachers about classroom settings and appropriate behavioral
expectations for your child. Also, look at your own
actions to see if you are managing stressful situations as well as you
can. If not, you might want to ask your family doctor about whether
family counseling or behavioral therapy sessions may help. |
