Parenting
Tips: Surviving the Teen Years
Some
researchers asked a large group of parents what advice they would give
others who raised their own children. Results of the survey showed
that parents/guardians generally agreed on ten basic principles.
Here's what they would suggest to you.
LOVE ABUNDANTLY
The most
important thing you can do is love your children and show that you really
care about them. Even when preteens are acting "unlovable" or
saying they don't need to be loved, they still need you to show your love.
Such love gives children a sense of security and belonging. It helps
smooth out the rough edges of those middle years. When you regularly
express your affection, your children are unlikely to wonder if they are
loved.
DISCIPLINE
CONSTRUCTIVELY
It is also
important to give clear directions and set limits on preteens and teens'
behavior. "Say what you mean, and mean what you say," was the
advice of parents in the survey. Children get the message when you set up
a few simple rules, spell them out clearly in advance, and enforce them
consistently. When discipline is necessary, try to exercise it in a calm,
but firm, manner. Follow through and, if your children try to talk you out
of it, have the courage to stand firm.
TEND TO PERSONAL
AND MARITAL NEEDS
It's important
to put your own life in order. To get along well with your children, you
first need to be comfortable with yourself and/or your partner. Remember
to take care of your own needs so that you are not sacrificing everything
for the sake of your children. In addition, love and respect between
parents/guardians provide children with needed security. By expressing
warmth and tenderness in your relationships, you will foster love and
affection in the hearts of your children. Parents in the survey suggest
you "put your relationships first, for happy parents are most likely
to have happy children." If you are single, it also is important to
uphold relationships that are special to you.
TEACH RIGHT FROM
WRONG
When you
actively teach your children basic values and good manners, they are more
apt to identify right from wrong when they are away from you. you can show
them how to treat others with kindness, respect, and honesty. By assigning
chores at home, you can provide opportunities for them to be responsible
people. Most important of all is the example you set for your children.
Children tend to "act out" what they see at home.
OFFER GUIDANCE
When your
children have problems and you want to offer guidance, be brief - it's not
necessary to make a speech. Also, make it clear that you expect them to
think through problems and come up with answers themselves.
FOSTER INDEPENDENCE
Gradually give
your children more and more freedom and control over their own lives. Let
them make minor decisions at first. As trust builds, give them more
independence. "Phase yourself out of the picture," one parent
said, "but always be near when they need you."
REALLY LISTEN
"No
matter how busy or involved you are," said one parent in the survey,
"listen to your child as a person." When you listen, you also
encourage your children's expressions of feeling - both good and bad -
without fear of judgment or losing your love.
DEVELOP MUTUAL
RESPECT
"Insist
that all family members treat each other with respect," parents said
in the survey. It's important to be polite, apologize when you are wrong,
show interest in your children's activities, and be willing to trust their
judgment. In return, you deserve your children's respect. When
parents/guardians treat each other with respect and kindness, they
increase the chance that their children will do likewise.
BE REALISTIC
As your
children reach the teen years, outside influences and peer pressure
increase dramatically. During those years, preteens and teens need
opportunities to make some choices - and making choices helps children
grow. They will make mistakes, and they will learn from their mistakes.
Take comfort in the fact that parents also make mistakes. Parents in the
survey reaffirmed the saying that child rearing is a series of "tough
times and tender moments."
SPEND TIME TOGETHER
Setting
aside time together for parent-child activities is important. Find time to
talk with one another. Teach your children practical skills, such as
cooking or repairing things. Plan for shared family activities - regular
outings, special family dinners, and holidays.
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