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| Marriage: Do we still need
it? Nadeem Malik. ‘In modern society it is not only
acceptable for people to live together without being married, but the
concept of marriage is almost frowned upon. In these ‘politically
enlightened times’, more and more people are losing hope in the
possibility of any long term relationship and are thus ridding themselves
of what has become a ‘meaningless tradition’. It is clear that this
way of thinking is not confined only to the non-Muslims, but has become
increasingly visible amongst ‘Muslims’’. ‘Trends Vol. 7, Issue 1. One cannot blame people for the
disillusionment that they are suffering, after all it is a fact that in
the Western world almost two out of every three marriages end in divorce
within ten years and most within five. It is also true that those people
who do not divorce but remain married often do so resentfully and due to
external consideration rather than sincere reasons. Unfortunately, such
‘empty marriages’ cause not only the two individuals involved to
suffer much stress and anxiety but create a wave of disharmony throughout
society itself. Why then does Islam place such an emphasis on marriage? In order to consider this question and do
the issue justice it is important to think objectively. As you read, try
to do so without being cynical and dismissive. Rather, ponder and reflect
with an open heart and an intention to implement the advice given in the
words of Allah and the sunnah of the Prophet Mohammad (SAW). It does not
matter if you have been married ten times before, if you are presently in
a relationship that is not working or if you are just thinking about
marriage - it is never too early nor too late to make an active change in
order to improve yourself and thus the condition around you. Remember to
point the critical finger at yourself and think how you can improve rather
than accusingly thrust these pages into the face of your partner! It is by
example that we change people not by force. It is imperative that before marriage one
has the correct requisite intention. In Islamic terms the objectives of
marriage can be classified under three general headings. Obviously, this topic cannot be fully
covered in these few pages, thus attention will be given to the more
relevant considerations that people face here in Britain. The decision of
whom one marries is perhaps the most important in a person's life. This is
particularly the case when living in a society that is hostile to Islam
and effort must be focused on activating people to develop a better
understanding of the religion. Marriage is the starting point of a family
and a family is, in turn, the nuclear structure of any society. It is the
forum in which natural feelings and emotions can be given full reign to
flourish and inherent human emotions can be correctly expressed. It is the
forum by which not only does the human race perpetuate itself physically
but it also forms the basis of psychological, sociological and moral
education. A family is one of
the bricks that form the solid wall of society and if it is weak itself it
will cause the whole structure to tumble. Clearly then, this is not one
that should he treated trivially or be underestimated. What factors should be of primary importance when choosing a spouse? The answer to this question is clear in the following words of the Prophet (SAW); “A woman is married for four things - her
wealth, her family status, her beauty and her religion. So you should
marry the religious woman otherwise you will be a loser.” (Reported in
Al-Bukhari) The powerful hadith makes it clear that
although several factors are often considered when it comes to choosing a
spouse, piety in religion has the highest rank of importance. Indeed not
only did the wives of the Prophet (SAW) excel in piety but the fist
consideration of all the companions was also the piety of the person in
question. Obviously this hadith applies to both sexes and perhaps explains
why a marital relationship between two people at the time of the
companions set to last for life and it was incredibly rare if it did not
in contrast to the ‘transient marriages’ of today. It also goes to
explain why people felt fulfilled and inspired in their marital
relationships rather than stifled and misunderstood. Let us look then at the correct attitudes
that a husband and wife should posses with regard to one another. Firstly,
neither should regard themselves as superior to the other - an established
principle of the faith of a Muslim is that Allah only judges a person by
the level of their piety and good deeds. A person does not have a ‘head
start’ in the account of Allah just because of their lineage, gender,
race or material worth. This is clear by the following verse: “Verily
the most honoured of you in the sight of Allah is the most righteous of
you. And Allah has full knowledge and is well acquainted with all
things.” (Qur'an 49:13) There is no concept in Islam of ‘equality’
if this means an equal obligation to perform identical acts. However,
there is an inherent concept of ‘equity’ meaning that all are
answerable equally for their actions but men and women have different
roles and responsibilities. Even in today’s ‘enlightened’ age,
modern research points to such personality differences. To quote the
Encyclopaedia Britannica, which perhaps would not today be as
‘politically correct’ as it could be; “With respect to personality
traits, men are characterised by greater aggressiveness, dominance and
achievement motivation, women by their greater dependency, a stronger
social orientation, and the tendency to be more easily discouraged by
failure than men.” (Encyclopaedia Britannica 1984, 19/907) The
relationship between two people cannot, obviously, be clearly defined set
down in stone. There must be a degree of fluidity and compromise to
account for the different personality traits of people. This scope has
been left within the advice of Islam in the form of general wisdom being
passed on rather than strict rules. A Muslim has a sense of nobility, self
respect and selflessness when it comes to their spouse. The relationship
is based on both a mutual love for Allah and a strong desire to attain His
happiness and encourage their partner to do the same. For a man, he has been put in a position of
responsibility that will entail both an understanding of his obligations
and a great deal of self-control to fulfill them. To this end, and to
buffer any clash of personality trait, man has been advised to be kind and
gentle in his conduct. It is not befitting for a Muslim man to show his
status, physical strength or social ties to suppress his wife or family.
Rather he should show his true ‘manhood’ by controlling these
attributes and using them to his family’s benefit. Whatever physical or
social attributes we have do not come from ourselves, we do not have a say
as to whether we are born male or female or how rich and powerful we will
be - rather these things are ordained by Allah and can either be a source
of blessing or a potential source of trial. The Muslim husband should feel
proud and noble if he spends out of his wealth for his family or treats
them well as this will attain him the pleasure of Allah also. The Prophet
(SAW) said; “The believers who possess perfect faith are those who
display the best manners, and the best among you are those who treat their
wives in the best possible manner.” (Reported in At-Tirmidhi) This does not necessarily mean that all men
should give their wives whatever they want without first giving
consideration to the prescribed laws of Allah! What it does mean is that
wherever possible the needs and considerations of the wife should be given
paramount importance. To illustrate to what extent this consideration
should be shown, an extract from the life of the Prophet (SAW) is
appropriate. On one occasion of Hajj, the camel of Safiya (May Allah be
pleased with her) sat down on the ground and she was therefore left behind
while the caravan passed on. The Prophet (SAW) came to her and found her
weeping without restraint. He stood there wiping off her tears with the
edge of a sheet with his own hands. While the Prophet (SAW) wiped off
tears from her eyes, she continued to weep unrestrainingly for a long
time. (See: The ettiquettes of Islam, by Doi) This example illustrates the consideration
and compassion that a Muslim man should show to his wife, even at times
when he may not empathise with what the problem is. Even in general terms
consideration should be given to the physical and psychological
differences between men and women. On one occasion the Prophet (SAW) was
on a journey and he passed some women riding on a camel. The man leading
the camel drove it on faster, forgetting that this would cause undue
discomfort for its passengers. The Prophet (SAW) said to the camel driver:
“You have glass cases there. Be gentle with them.” (Reported in Al-Bukhari) Steeped in history is the convention that men support women financially. This concept has, however, been abused by men through time. It is not an unsaid term that just because a man spends his money in the way of his family he is automatically entitled to some sort of unparalleled respect. Rather he is merely carrying out an obligation placed upon him by his Creator. He has no choice in the matter and although he should not pass unappreciated by his wife and family - he has no right to demand respect. Allah states in the Qur’an: “A man of means should spend out of his means, while anyone whose income is more limited should spend some of what Allah has granted him” (Qur’an 65:7) It is obligatory on every man to support
and provide for his wife and family, he should recognise this as his duty
and not seek to impose it as a favour on his family. On the other hand, he
should be made to feel good about fulfilling his duty and not be treated
in an ungrateful manner. It is this balance that prevails in all aspects
of a marital relationship and is indeed the recipe for success. It is also important for men to understand
that just because they have been given the duty of protecting their spouse
and providing for her, this does not mean that they are allowed to act
unjustly or prevent them from developing their Islam. Rather, in the
Medinan society, women and men, husband and wives, all worked together in
the task of developing a strong community and building a political
infrastructure. Women played a fundamental role in the teaching, preaching
and practice of Islam, both on a personal level and in a public forum. The
importance of this was stressed by command of the Prophet (SAW) that;
“If the wife of anyone of you ask permission to go to the mosque, he
should not forbid her.” (Reported in Al-Bukhari) This is an example of how it was encouraged
that both husband and wife become an integral part of society. The mosque
was not only a place of worship but a station of central public importance
and thus men and women were encouraged to frequent it. Reading more deeply
into this hadith and placing it on its correct context, it is clear that
the underlying principle is that a husband and wife should regard
themselves as a team. They are BOTH Muslim, they both have the same
accountability to perform their acts of worship and increase their
knowledge and practice of Islam and they will both answer to Allah for
their deeds. When two people get married they do not
forsake their individual accountability. It is important, particularly for
men, to realise that their spouse will have to answer to Allah for their
time, energy and wealth as well as you. Although this sounds like common
sense it is often practically neglected. Even amongst ‘practising’
couples today it is not uncommon to see the husband actively developing
this own knowledge and commitment to Islam, attending more gatherings and
giving more in the way of time and money whilst he denies his wife the
same opportunities. The ideal situation is one where BOTH parties put in
the same degree of effort and insha-Allah reap the same amount of reward.
Indeed, after marriage, Shaitan tries his hardest to divide two people and
often what should have been a source of bonding becomes a source of
division. Jabir ibn Abdullah said that once the Prophet (SAW) said; “The
throne of Iblis (Satan), the chief of the devils, is situated above the
seas, whence he sends his bands to send human beings astray. To Iblis, the
most worthy of devils is the one who causes the greatest wickedness. The
devils visit him as their chief to report their deeds to him, and Iblis
gives a hearing to all of them. On one occasion, Iblis remained
unimpressed with their achievements, until he managed to separate them. He
had achieved this by causing them to have doubts and misgivings about one
another. Iblis was so overjoyed to hear this that he drew him close to him
in a close embrace, saying, “Yes, you did it,” meaning that he had
really managed to lead human beings astray.” (Reported in Muslim) Thus it is clear a man should regard his wife as a companion in life and somebody with whom he should try his utmost to keep amicable links, and vice versa. This teamwork and co-operation should exist not only in a practical sphere but more importantly in a spiritual context. If two people can encourage one another in the true worship of their Creator, which is of course their objective, then it must be a source of much reward and blessing. Such an atmosphere would be created that many of the small things that Shaitan uses to divide people would become obsolete and true inner strength would emanate from the couple. The incentive from Allah for a husband and wife to attain this spiritual bond together is illustrated by the following hadith; “When a man wakes up and his wife during the night and they offer two Rak’ahs of prayers together, Allah ordains that the man’s name should be included in the rolls of the male remembers of Allah and the woman’s name in the register of those females who offer praises to Allah and remember Him.” (Reported in Abu Dawud) Clearly this level of spiritual
togetherness will be of much practical use in controlling any
disagreements between the couple and providing a firm reminder of the
intention behind and objectives of a true Muslim marriage. As far as the responsibility of a wife are concerned they can be summed up generally by the following verse: “Honourable women are devout, guarding the unseen just as Allah orders it to be guarded.” (Qur’an 4:34) With regard to what this ‘unseen’ actually is, most scholars are in agreement that it refers to the honour and property of her husband. Many hadith point out that a woman must not permit anybody to enter the house to whom her husband objects, particularly in his absence. In a wider context, the example of the Prophet (SAW)’s wives shows what the ideal Muslim wife’s behaviour should be. Let it suffice to illustrate this with two examples regarding the first wife of the Prophet (SAW), Khadijah(RA). The example of Khadijah (RA) throughout her life was one of limitless support and reassurance to her husband. She provided him with mental security and physical support. She insisted on sharing her husband’s suffering along with his joy. She never doubted him nor criticised him, neither did she undermine him or disobey him. The first example shows the degree of trust and respect she had for her husband at the point when he first received revelation. As the Prophet (SAW) came to her, shivering and disillusioned, believing he was going mad, she comforted him with the following words; “It cannot be. Allah will surely never
forsake you. You are kind to your kin, you always help the weak, you
solace the weary, you take care of whoever crosses your threshold, you
speak the truth.” (Tafseer of Ibn Kathir) The feelings of the Prophe
t(SAW) for his wife were so great that he said of her, “I have been
intoxicated by her love.” (Reported in Muslim) Khadijah (RA)’s support
and encouragement left a life-long effect upon the life of the Prophet
(SAW). In later years, after her death, he would still remember her and
weep; he continued to look after all her relatives and friends after her
passing. Khadijah(RA) sacrificed her whole life, both materially and physically for the sake of Allah and in support of her husband. So great was her love and support to the Prophet (SAW) that after her death, Aisha(RA) relates that; “The Prophet (SAW) would not leave home
without praising Khadijah. One day when he mentioned Khadijah I became
annoyed and said, “She was an old woman. In her stead Allah has given
you one who is better.” This angered the Prophet (SAW), who said, “God
knows, He has given me no better than her. She believed in me when others
rejected me. She supported me with her wealth when others left me in the
lurch. And Allah gave me children by her, which He has not given me by any
other wives.” (Tafsir Al-Haythami) These words go to show the kind of
behaviour that is ideally expected from a Muslim wife: to be a station of
support for her husband and provide him with as much mental solace that
she can. It is not befitting for a Muslim to be more concerned with
material competition, vanity and ingratitude than the welfare of her
husband and family. One of the biggest ills of Western society has been a
rush of ill-defined feminism that has led to a confusion of the roles and
responsibilities of man and woman, let alone take away the love,
compassion and spirituality that should exist between husband and wife. A
careful balance will surely fail and cause much disarray. The Prophet
(SAW) warned us of this when he said; “Those men are cursed who try to
resemble women and those women are cursed who try to resemble men.”
(Reported in Al-Bukhari) In conclusion, there is clearly a detailed
set of guidelines laid down by the Creator to help his Creation co-exist
in a harmonious fashion. Marriage is the corner stone of any society and
its importance should never be underestimated. Neither should it be
treated as something that does require research or preparation. Rather, it
is a decision of utmost importance that must be made by everybody and
clearly the better informed a person is, the better they will be equipped
to deal with any difficulties that arise. It is not enough to assume that
when an issue comes up it can be dealt with provided that everybody is
‘chilled out’. In matters of such high societal and spiritual
importance there can be no room or scope to ‘chill out’. The answer
lies in going back to the basic sources and materials, in treating the
subject seriously and with due diligence. Respect, appreciation, patience and forgiveness should be prevalent attributes of any Muslim marriage and there should be no imitation of ‘Western’ values. If there is then the divorce statistics will also reflect those of the West and this is not acceptable in Islam. The Muslim marriage is to build a society which will be a global example. There is no reason why this example cannot have its foundation in Britain and there is no reason why this example should not begin with you. Source: oooops, i forgot where i got this article from ;-\ if anyone knows please let me know so i can credit the author and source. thanks
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