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| Fundamentals Of A Happy Marriage Shahina Siddiqui Faith: The
most basic and essential attribute of a Muslim marriage is the common
faith that binds the couple. Since Islam is a way of life and not just a
religion confined to weekly worship it becomes an integral part of a
Muslim’s life. The frame of reference shared by the couple eases
communication and sharing of values which is not possible in an interfaith
marriage. It is highly recommended that faith play an important role in
the developing a loving relationship. For example, as the Prophet Muhammad (peace
and blessings be upon him) said, that when a husband feeds his wife, he
gets a reward for this act and Allah increases the bond of love between
them. So when we love each other for the sake of Allah WE ACTUALLY
INCREASE OUR FAITH. Forgiving:
When the Prophet Muhammad asked his Companions ‘do you wish that Allah
should forgive you’ they said, of course O Prophet of Allah. He
responded, ‘then forgive each other’. One of the main components of a happy
marriage is that the spouses are able to forgive, that they do not hold
grudges or act judgmental towards each other. It is expected that when we
live with someone, situations may arise when we end up saying or doing
things that hurt our spouses. The challenge is not to dwell on it or lay
blame but to move past it. This
can only happen if we are not too proud to ask for forgiveness and we are
not stingy to forgive. If we expect Allah to forgive us than we
must learn to forgive. Forget: When
we constantly remind our spouses of all the times they let us down or hurt
us we have not truly forgiven. Things that happened in the past must be
left there and not be used as fresh ammunition in new situations. Couples
who use this technique usually fall in a rut and become victims of their
own pettiness, unable to break free. Forbearance:
Sabr (patience) is the most useful tool to have in managing a healthy
lifestyle. Being patient and forbearing puts us in a proactive frame of
mind it brings us closer to Allah through Tawakul and reliance .We develop
an inner mechanism that empowers us to handle life’s difficult moments.
As Allah states in Surah al-Asr: "Surely by time humans are at loss,
except those who believe and do righteous deeds and counsel each other to
the truth and counsel each other to Sabr’ (Quran, chapter 103). Flexible: Many
couples unnecessarily make themselves miserable because they are unwilling
to bend a little. We should not expect our spouses to be our
extensions. They are their own selves with personalities, likes and
dislikes. We must respect their right to be them selves as long as it does
not compromise their Deen (religion). Being inflexible and not
accommodating for individual differences leads to a very stressful and
tense home atmosphere. Friendship: This aspect of marriage has
three components. First is to develop a friendship with our
spouses. The relationship based on friendship is more able to withstand
outside pressures. We honor, trust, respect, accept and care
for our friends, in spite of our differences. These are the aspects of
friendship we should bring to our marriages. Unfortunately the only aspect that people
think of bringing to their marriage which is highly inappropriate is the
buddy scenario. Shariah (Islamic law) has placed the husband in a
leadership role within a family. This requires a certain decorum, which
cannot be maintained if the spouses consider each other as pals. This should not be taken to mean that
husband is a dictator but a shepherd who is responsible for and to his
flock. This is a position of grave responsibility and places an enormous
burden on the husband. Further more the children need to see their parents
as friends but not as pals as this encourages disrespect. Friendly:
Second aspect of friendship is to have friendly relations with in-laws.
When couples compete as to whose parents are more important it becomes a
constant source of grief. Much valuable time is wasted trying to convince,
one another of whose parents are most desirable.
It is better if we accept, that our spouses will not overnight fall
in love with our parents just because we want them to. As long as they
maintain friendly relations that are cordial and based on mutual respect
we should not force the issue. Friends: The
third aspect of friendship is our circle of friends. It is okay to have
individual friends of the same gender but couples must also make effort to
have family friends so that they can socialize together. If there is
friction being caused by a certain friendship it must not be pursued at
the expense of the marriage. Prophet Muhammad advised us to choose God
fearing people as friends since we tend to follow their way. Friends
should be a source of joy and not mischief. Fun: Couples
that do not laugh together have to work on sharing some fun times. The
Prophet was known to play with his wives. A simple walk in the park can
add much spark to the relationship. Taking up a sport together or watching
clean funny movies is another way of sharing a laugh. Faithful: It
is commanded by Allah that we be faithful to our spouses. Adultery is a
capital crime in Islam that is punishable by death. However there are
various forms of unfaithful behavior prevalent among some Muslims. The most common form is maintaining
friendships with the opposite sex over the boundaries set by Islam, and
the misgivings of the spouse. The latest trend of Internet relationships
is also contrary to Islamic Adab (etiquette) and is causing serious
problems between couples. Once a sense of betrayal sets in, repairing that
relationship is difficult. Another form of not being faithful is when
couples betray confidences. This is a trust issue and one when compromised
eats away at the heart of a marriage. Fair: Usually
when we are angry or displeased the tendency is to not play fair. We try
to convince ourselves that since we have been wronged it is okay to be
unjust in our behavior and our statements. Allah states in the Quran do
not be unjust under any circumstances, even if they be your enemy, and
here we are talking about our life partners and the parent of our
children. To use words such as "never" and "always"
when describing the behavior of the partner is unfair and puts the other
on the defensive. Finance: One
of the most common points of contention in marriages is money. Experts
tell us that 80 percent of marital conflicts are about money. It is therefore highly recommended that the
couple put serious time and effort in developing a financial management
plan that is mutually agreeable and is reviewed every six months or so.
Preparing a budget together is also a helpful and wise way to handling
household finances. It should be remembered that the wife’s money in
Islam is hers to do with as she pleases and therefore should not be
considered family income unless she chooses to contribute it to the family Family:
Parenting can be a stressful experience if the parents are not well
informed. This in turn can put extra pressure on the marriage. Sometimes couples are naive about the
changes that come in the lifestyle. This can cause in some cases
depression and in some resentment and misunderstandings. One golden rule
that must always be the guide is; that family comes first. Whenever there is evidence that the family
is not happy or not our first priority it is time to assemble at the
kitchen table and discuss with open hearts and mind. Couples who have
elderly parents have an added responsibility to take care of them. This
can also be very stressful if the couple is not prepared. A care plan must be worked out with
respective siblings and parents as to who will be the primary care giver
and what type of support network they will have. In case of mental
incompetence a power of attorney must be in place. The making of a will is
most essential . Feelings:
Prophet Muhammad stated that Allah forgives all sins if we repent but not
those we have committed against others i.e. hurt their feelings unless the
person we have hurt forgives first. Couples are sometimes very careless when it
comes to their spouse’s feelings, they take them for granted and assume
that the other knows what they mean. It is surprising that people are more
sensitive and courteous to strangers than they are to their loved ones.
One must be ever vigilant and careful that they do not hurt the feelings
of their spouses and if they
invariably do, they should apologize as soon as possible. Since one does
not know when someone they love will leave this world, is it not better to
make amends when we have the time? Freedom: Marriage
in Islam is a partnership and not bondage or slavery. To consider the wife
one’s property is alien to Islamic concept of husband and wife role. The
team spirit is enhanced and not curtailed when members of the team are
free to be themselves. Freedom in the common western since is to be free
to do as one pleases or to be selfish. On the contrary, to allow freedom
to one’s spouse is to be considerate of their needs and to recognize
their limitations. Flirtation: A
sure way to keep romance in marriage is to flirt with your spouse. Many
successful marriages have maintained a youthful demeanor in their
marriages by adopting special names for each other and secret
communication styles. Frank: Misunderstandings
happen when couples are not honest with each other. Marital relationship
is where the partners must feel safe to speak their mind with due
consideration to the other’s feeling, without compromising their own
views. When the communication is not frank it hinders in the development
of closeness and deep understanding of each other’s inner self. Facilitator: When
choosing our life partner, we must, as the Prophet advised, look for a
pious Muslim. The reason is that their first and foremost goal is the
pleasure of Allah. This commitment to
Allah makes them an excellent facilitator for
enhancing their partner’s spiritual
development. In essence, the couple facilitates their family’s
commitment to Allah and His Deen. Flattering: Paying
compliments and indulging in honest flattery is a very inexpensive way to
win your spouse’s heart. Everyone likes to be appreciated and noticed.
So being stingy about compliments is actually depriving oneself of being
appreciated in return. Fulfilling: To
be all one can be to one’s spouse is a very fulfilling and rewarding
experience. To be in love means to give one’s all. The heart
does not put conditions or make stipulations. It gives without
expecting anything in return, but such selfless giving is always rewarded
tenfold. Fallible: It
often happens that our expectations sometimes are so high that we lose
focus of the fact that we are fallible beings. When couples start to
nitpick and demand the impossible they must remind themselves that only
Allah is perfect. Fondness:
So many times couples fail to work on developing fondness for each
other by [failing] to see their spouses as people through the eyes of
their respective friends. Spending quality time alone doing and sharing
activities are ways in which one can develop fondness. Future: Smart couples plan for their future together. They work on their financial and retirement plans, make wills and discuss these plans with their children. This provides peace of mind and secures the relationship. Source: Sound Vision
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