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| Sex Education: Questions
from Muslim Youth Shahid Athar MD Note: After my presentation on sex
education guidelines for Muslim youth and parents at the Islamic Center in
Toledo, Ohio, in 1992, many questions were asked by Muslim youth. The
Toledo Muslim community is progressive, affluent and has an even mixture
of Arab and Indo-Pakistani immigrants. I compiled all the written questions
submitted to me, answered them to the best of my knowledge, and then sent
the questions to the late Dr. Mahmood Abu Saud, the well-known scholar,
for a second opinion. He did not know my answers. Some of the answers have
already been published in the Islamic Monitor, the magazine of the Islamic
Society of Toledo, in English and Arabic. After each question, Dr. Abu Saud's reply and my reply are given for comparison. 1. Please explain the importance of hijab: What is the degree of sin if mature Muslim sister does not wear a dress properly (cover her head, etc.)? Abu Saud: The word "hijab" is used in the Holy Quran in its linguistic original sense, i.e., a barrier, something to separate two things from one another. The Prophet's wives were ordered by God to observe hijab, meaning not to face all mature males who are entitled to marry them. They had to speak to such males from behind a curtain or a door so nobody would see them. In our times, the word is usually used to indicate the dress of a woman in accordance with the Islamic requirements. What is definite for man and woman is that neither gender should dress or act in a way that is intended to attract the attention of the opposite sex. By instinct, males are more attracted to females' bodies than vice versa. Accordingly, Islam ordained that women should not show of their bodies what would particularly attract the attention of males. Besides, they should not show of their adornment other than that conventionally shown by women in an Islamic society. As for the degree of sin, it depends upon
the degree of violating these rules and the intention of the female who
violates them. There are no fast rules determining the details of how to
dress and cover other than to be modest and not show off. Athar: hijab is an injunction from God (33:59). The extent of hijab can be questioned. However, obeying/disobeying an injunction altogether is a reflection of the faith of the person. The degree of sin or forgiving is up to the Law Maker 2. When one is engaged, are
you allowed to go out with your Fiancée? Abu Saud: Yes, provided there is no touching, necking and no staying behind closed doors or in a place where they would not be seen by others. Engagement in Islam is not a contract of marriage binding on either party . Athar: No, not alone, unless a third adult member of the family is present, i.e., brother, sister or one of the parents. 3. Can a Muslim marry someone his parents disapprove of? Abu Saud: Yes, as long as the marrying person is legally entitled to marriage. Athar: Yes, however, one must find out why the parent(s) object to this marriage, as maybe they are right. Is the person you plan to marry an alcoholic, a drug dealer, a pimp? This is not a question of your or your parents' right but a question of your communications with your parents. 4. What are your views on
Muslim teens (boys/girls) talking socially? Abu Saud: It is healthy for boys and girls to talk and socialize as long as they do that within the Islamic moral code: no obscenity, no touching, no secret appointments, etc. They should talk socially in order to know each other as ordained by God in Quran (Surah al-Hujrat). However, one must be careful about what this social talking leads to. Athar: They should talk socially in order to know each other as ordained by God in the Quran (Surah al-Hujrat). However, one must be careful in what this social talking leads to. 5. If you think abortion is
murder, then what would happen if it were illegal? Ladies would do it at
home, punch themselves in the stomach, and then they and the babies would
die. Abu Saud: Most of the Muslim jurists do not think that abortion before the end of the third month is murder, although they declare it reprehensible unless there is a legitimate justification. If it is illegal, then it is the woman's problem; she should have taken enough precaution not to get pregnant. Athar: A crime is a crime, no matter how noble your intention is and means to achieve it. In this case both fetus and mother may die (a double crime). 6. According to statistics,
the majority of teenagers do not even have orgasm when they have sex.
The orgasm they get is when they talk about it in the locker room. Abu Saud: If so, why have sex? Orgasm is the acme of sexual pleasure. However, talking about it simply arouses the instinct and does not help in sublimating the desire. Granted, girls and boys cannot avoid thinking of it, but it would be more healthy to talk about it in the open with a responsible person, although in such cases, most probably there will be no orgasm. Athar: Not true! Orgasm is related to duration and extent of foreplay and not intensity of sex. In the locker room, they can pretend they have orgasm to impress others. 7. How does one go about
finding a suitable practicing Muslim spouse? Abu Saud: Islamically speaking, both boys and girls are entitled to propose to the other sex. Thus, frequent gatherings of Muslims allow you to talk to whomever you feel like being your mate, one or more, take their addresses and write to them, invite them into your house and keep your parents informed of what you are doing. Attend youth conferences. Try to participate in discussions and lectures so as to expose yourself and become noticeable. You may also publish an advertisement in Islamic Horizon. Athar: Stay in the community of practicing Muslims, doing things in the community in which you are known, and let your friends and family know that you are ready and available. Once you find one, let him/her know indirectly that you like him/her, preferably through your parents. 8. You are giving the wrong
idea to the parents. You are making them think when girls and boys are
friends, it is bad ... WHY? Abu Saud: When boys and girls work
together for doing good, they become friends. When they meet in public
such as in conferences, youth camps and in study rooms and the like, they
become friends. When boys and girls start meeting in hiding, or in secrecy
without informing their guardians, when they start to touch each other's
bodies, when they start a love affair, even without sleeping together,
this is not an innocent friendship, and should he discouraged. Athar: I did not give this idea. See answer #4. 9. You talk about monogamy.
Our society in the Muslim world is not monogamous but polygamous. They are
allowed to have four wives. Those are their right to possess as well as
slaves. Abu Saud: There is no question to answer, but the above statement is a wrong point of view. Polygamy is not common in the Muslim world, although it exists. There are strict terms set in the Quran on marrying more than one woman, and they are really difficult to observe. However, a woman can always indicate in her marriage contract that she would not accept to be with another wife. and can even insist on an important compensation in case she is divorced for no fault of her own. Whatever the case may be, to have another wife is much better than to have a mistress. If in the inquirer's view, polygamy is slavery, the second wife should not accept it. Athar: Muslim society in the Muslim world is by practice monogamous. There is less than one percent polygamy, and that is by permission and not injunction. In the West, men who can control their desire, have one wife and one to four mistresses. Also in the West, they practice polygamy but not at the same time, i.e., cycle of marriage, divorce, marriage and divorce several times in their lives. 10. Is there any harm in
men and women sitting together, in this lecture hall for instance? It
seems natural that a family sit together with other family and friends.
We
seem to do this everywhere except here. Abu Saud: There is no harm in men and women sitting together. They used to do so in the days of the Prophet, and the books of hadith are full of such instances. You are right in your observation, and it is for you and others of some moral courage and clean thoughts to stand up and DO JUST THAT: SIT TOGETHER. Athar: Islam believes in separation of sexes in social gatherings unless people are mahram to each other (see Surah Ahzab and Surah Nur). This is natural, even in secular schools, that girls like to sit, walk or play with girls rather than boys. Unnecessary social mixing may lead to other wrongs. The Creator of the human body knows what is good for us and we don't. 11. What should a Muslim
boy do if he is constantly rejected when he proposes? Abu Saud: He must be following the
wrong approach and procedure, or there must be something basically wrong
with him. Counseling would be very useful in this case. Athar: He should find out why he/she is being rejected. Maybe it is the way he/she proposed, etc. 12. What is the Islamic
rule concerning masturbation? Abu Saud: There is no authentic text
prohibiting masturbation, although it is reprehensible on account of two
main factors: It leads to sexual arousal and more desire, and it actually
affects the health, especially for boys. Sex is like any other natural
instinct in that the more you think of it, the more it is accentuated.
Generally speaking, humans sublimate and administer their instincts. We
want to possess, but we work and earn; we want to eat, but we control our
eating habits: and we want to have sex, but we marry. Athar: Masturbation is considered makruh (detestable) in Islam; i.e., it is between lawful and permitted. Some scholars of the past have permitted it to students and soldiers who are single in a non-Muslim society where temptation is high, in order to save them from adultery. The medical harms are not confirmed. 13. If you are an unmarried
Muslim girl and pregnant, what choices do you have: Abortion, adoption,
etc.? Abu Saud: The first option is to marry the father of the child. The second is to have an abortion in the first three months of pregnancy. The third is to keep the child, and the fourth is to give him/her up for adoption providing the child keeps his father's name. Athar: Abortion if the health of the mother is physically or mentally threatened; otherwise, carry to term, then adoption or even marriage with the boy if possible. Hopefully, Muslim girls don't come to this difficult stage and marry beforehand. If they are ready for sex, they should be ready for marriage. 14. In what circumstances
are abortions allowed and are we Muslims allowed to use contraceptives? Abu Saud: About abortion, see question #6. About contraceptives, they are allowed in Islam by explicit statement of the Prophet (PBUH) where he did not forbid coitus interruptis. Athar: Abortions are not allowed unless it is a matter of rape and incest, and the health of the mother is concerned. Chemical contraceptives, i. e ., birth control for married women, is allowed though not promoted because of its many medical side effects. 15. What is the right age
to get married in this society? Abu Saud: There is no fast rule
fixing such an age. When a person is mature enough, can live independently
and is ready to meet the responsibilities of marriage, he/she can marry. Athar: In this society, about a million girls get pregnant each year, and if they were married, they would not be counted in teenage pregnancy statistics. This right age is when you are ready to marry. If you have achieved puberty, then you must abstain from sex until you think you are ready for marriage. Otherwise, you may fall into the sin of premarital sex. 16. How does one go about
proposing to either a boy or a girl? Abu Saud: If you know the person,
simply talk about your desire to get married and wait for the reaction.
Then, if the reaction is positive, just express your desire to engage the
person. If the answer is positive again, inform both families and arrange
for the "official" engagement. Athar: You let him/her know your intention to marry him/her, through your parents or trusted friends. 17. 1 see a lot of women in this hall without hijab. We know this is against Islam and against the Prophet's teaching. I would like to know why? Abu Saud: The answer depends on what
you do mean by hijab (see question #I). If it is only uncovering of hair
while the body is well covered, then the question is controversial. Slave
women during the days of the Prophet even used to pray without covering
their hair. Men never were seen uncovering their hair in public, but that
was a societal convention. The idea of covering hair is the same as
covering the adornment and the body of the woman. In simple words, as
women are very proud of their hair and do consider it a part of their
beauty that attracts the attention of men, it is then supposed to be
covered. Athar: See answer #I. 18. All religions prohibit
premarital sex and consider that as sin. Why don't all religious leaders
put their point across to the government and not leave this subject to the
big "L" liberals? Abu Saud: Because sex in the society in which we live is liberal; and accordingly, the government elected by the people is liberal. Athar: Government does not control personal expressions or emotions. The good and bad, and right and wrong have to be recognized and accepted individually. 19. Is abortion allowed if
the life of the woman is in danger and/or you have amniocentesis and find
the child could be handicapped/ Down's syndrome? Abu Saud: If there is danger for the
mother, abortion would be allowed. If there will definitely be a
congenital defect, then the matter depends on the degree of this defect.
If it is so serious that the child will not be able to function at all, or
will not be able to live on his own, then the question is controversial.
In all cases, if abortion takes place in the first three months (that is,
four months from the last period), it may be carried out. Athar: Yes, under medical decision. 20. What if you want a
child but don't want to get married? Abu Saud: Adopt a child according to
the Islamic rules: Mainly, keep the child's father's name and no
inheritance. He will never be YOUR child. Athar: You will have to have another man's sperm, which is adultery. When the child is born, he/she would like to know the father. What will you tell him/her that will satisfy and make him/her happy? 21. Is there anything wrong
with being married young? Abu Saud: No, as long as you are
ready for marriage. See question #15. The Prophet (PBUH) says, "He
who can afford to get married, let him marry. . . " Athar: No, unless you are marrying a man who is too old. 22. What is sex? Abu Saud: Sex is the cohabitation of
a male with a female for the purpose of reproduction. A married couple may
decide not to have children and still they legitimately perform sex. Sex
without marriage is illegitimate and is obviously harmful to the
individuals and their society. Athar: Sex is the act of intimacy between two people of the opposite or same sex, starting with being together, to foreplay and the sexual act. The best sex organ is said to be the brain; other organs are hand and mouth. 23. Why are Muslim men
allowed to marry non-Muslim women and Muslim women not allowed to marry
non-Muslim men? Abu Saud: The Quran says, "Do
not marry (your girls) to unbelievers until they believe" (2:221).
The family structure is so paternal that the non-Muslim father would
dominate and dictate. This meant that the children would be non-Muslims,
that the wife would not be free to practice her religion, and that the
different laws of Islam (such as inheritance, alimony, guardianship, etc.
) cannot be observed. Accordingly, such marriage would lead to what is
prohibited and thus becomes prohibited. Athar: Not true. Muslim men are allowed to marry women from only people of book (Jews and Christians), not Hindu or atheist, etc. Even then they are encouraged to prefer believing women even if she is a slave than idolater. The reason Muslim women are not allowed non-Muslim men are many to include the future of children. 24. Are Muslim girls
allowed to play sports? Abu Saud: Yes, of course. In public,
she must be covered, and if she plays with boys, there should be no
touching. Athar: Yes, only with girls. 25. Islam is a very
patriarchal and sexist religion. Why is the podium faced toward the
men? Why don't you direct your speech toward the women? A woman will
look attractive to a man, and that is why she must cover up, right?
Well, have you ever thought that maybe a woman will also find a man
attractive? Why should not he cover up? Why are men placed on
a higher stool than women? Is that really what God wants? Abu Saud: Islam is not
patriarchal or sexist; it is YOUR society which is both. The Prophet (PBUH)
used to talk to women directly, facing them. He, and the caliphs after
him, used to address them, answer their questions and sell to and buy from
them. Both men and women are required to cast down their eyesight and be
modest. By instincts men are more attracted to the woman's body than vice
versa, and that is why she must cover up. However, man, being obligated to
earn the living of the family and to protect it, has to work and mix with
others, such that covering up would not be practical. Athar: Not true, as men and women in the audience could hear the speaker the same way. 26. What is the right age
to get married in this society? Can you marry a person whom your parents
do not approve of? Abu Saud: See question #3 and
question #15. Athar: See question #3. The right age is when a person is physically and emotionally mature and ready for marriage. In this society, more than a million teenage girls become pregnant each year. If they are ready for sex, they should be ready for sex with responsibility and commitment that comes from marriage. 27. Right of inheritance to
a fetus: the rape situation in Islamic countries where rape is monumental
and CANNOT be proved. Abu Saud: The embryo is a
prospective inheritor; i.e., if the father dies during the pregnancy of
his wife, the estate inheritance division will be suspended until the
birth or miscarriage of the fetus. There is no evidence that rape in
Muslim countries is monumental, nor is it a fact that proving it is
impossible. However, if the father is not known, there would be no
inheritance except from the mother. Athar: In the U.S.A., 200,000 women are raped every year, nearly two per minute, but half of the rapes are not reported. The reporting of rape in Muslim countries is related to weakness within women, for shame or whatever else. 28. Is placing of the
private parts to the mouth harmful, for boys and girls alike? Abu Saud: Oral sex is not forbidden
in Islam as long as it is practiced between husband and wife. Athar: No, but only with your spouse. "Your women are your tilth for you, so go to your tilth as ye wish" (2:223). Thus, all sexual positions except anal intercourse are permitted between husband and wives. There may be some medical harm in oral sex if organs are not clean or have infection. In that case they should seek medical treatment first before engaging in sex. 29. Are Muslim boys allowed
to wear earrings, or is it a woman's dress? Abu Saud: The general rule is that
men should not try to look like woman and vice versa. If conventionally
agreed and accepted, earrings are used only for women; then a Muslim boy
should not wear them. Athar: Men are not allowed to mimic women in dress or other ways including jewelry. 30. Are girls or boys
allowed to talk about the opposite sex in a way that conveys a feeling? Abu Saud: It is human to have
feelings towards the other sex. But to talk about it is another matter
that depends entirely on what sort of talk it is. Modesty is the key word
in this context. One must be decent and modest. One must be clean in
thought and deed. God knows what is in the hearts of His servants and the
servants must be aware of His cognition. Athar: Yes, but be cautious not to give the wrong emotion. To play with someone's emotions is not right. 31. Are women allowed to
work, leaving their children at home? Abu Saud: There is no prohibition
for women to work. If they have children, it is the responsibility of both
parents to look after them. However, it is biologically the mother who
should cater to the needs of the child in his early age. Whether she can
leave him at home during her working hours or not, is a matter of
circumstances and age of the child. What is essential is consideration of
the interest of the child as the first priority. Athar: Not a good idea. This deprives children of her mother's love and presence, both of which are badly needed. 32. What are the Islamic
jurisdictions toward marriage? Abu Saud: In Islam, marriage is a
civil (though divine) contract, witnessed first by God, then by the
society. The main terms of an Islamic marriage are: the free consent of
both spouses, the public declaration of marriage, the dower to the wife,
the respect of the terms that either party may opt to include in the
contract (such as the wife's condition to be the sole wife, to divorce
herself without the consent of the husband without mentioning any reason,
or to get her dower at any certain time, etc. ), and that the information
in the contract is correct (for instance, whether or not either spouse is
married, whether or not either of them has a disease, etc.) Athar: Marriage is ordained by God and is a tradition of Prophet Muhammad. He said marriage is half of faith and that it is a shield against wrongdoing. FINAL REMARKS It is not necessary for the youth or parents who have read the above answers to agree with either mine or those of Dr. Abu Saud, as sometimes we did not agree with each other, either. It is also possible that both of us may be wrong. The purpose of this particular article is to make parents aware of youth's questions and stimulate discussion within a family. Muslim youth, instead of taking our answers for granted, should seek more explanation from their parents, Sunday school teachers, Imam of the mosque and above all, from the Quran and Sunnah. "It is not befitting a believing man or a believing woman that when God and His Messenger have decided an affair for them, they should after that claim have any say in their affairs and whosoever is rebellious to God and His messenger, he verily goes astray in error manifest" (33:36).
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