Children from divorced households need to be in contact with both parents.  Transitioning from one parent to the other can be a trying and stressful experience for both, parents and children.  The reasons for unsuccessful exchanges are complex.  

Children feel helpless and powerless in the chaos of changes that they usually don't want.  Most children prefer their parents stayed together.  To help the children adjust to this major trauma in their life, parents can take some steps to make this transition easier for them. 

Children experience conflicts in loyalty.  Most children feel responsible for their parents' happiness.  When parents argue and fight with each other, most children seek to please them to reduce conflict and to create peace and harmony... which to them means safety and security.  Do not put them in a situation where they have to chose one parent over the other.  Do not bad-mouth or criticize the other parent in front of the children.  Avoid confiding in your children about intimate, personal problems and conflicts.

When adults behave as adults, then children are free to be children.

Tips to make the transition easier for the children:

• encourage children to take familiar objects with them when they move from one home to the other.
• maintain regular schedules, consistency and predictability of schedules creates a feeling of security in the child.
• manage your personal hostility and avoid arguing with the ex-spouse in front of the child... if you have problems talking to each other in a civil manner, then write notes. 
• avoid using the child as a bait for gaining power against the other.
• prepare and remind the child of the changes before they happen.  avoid last minute changes in routines or last minute rushed preparations.
• be flexible and accommodate schedule changes.
• do NOT put the child in a position where they have to take sides or have to choose between parents.
  

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