Did that come out of my
child’s mouth?
Dr. Aliya Ahmad
Back talk: It stings, it shocks, it
embarrasses, and it can turn your home into a battleground. Dr Jahangir,
head of a Children’s Hospital, ran a back-talk workshop for parents. He
said that with a little understanding and self-restraint, parents could
put a lid on talking back.
“The reasons for back talk are as varied
as the personalities of the children who use it,” says Dr Jahangir. The
child could be hungry, tired, or in a transitional period. But children
who talk back usually do have one thing in common: They are trying to
separate from their parents and exercise control over their lives.
How should you handle these outbursts? Dr
Jahangir suggests parents do some behavior tracking: “For three days,
make notes about what your child says, what the situation was, and how you
responded. See if you notice any patterns. And keep in mind that when kids
talk back, something else is going on underneath. The goal is to help them
express it constructively.”
Preschoolers
Common back talk: “No!” and “Why?”
How to respond:
Model good behavior. Try saying, “Wouldn’t it be nice if we did not
have to do things we do not like to do.” Do not yell back and do not be
sarcastic. Your response is going to determine what happens next. Parents
will never be able to control their children. The only person you can
control is yourself. When you model control, you teach kids how to control
themselves.
School-Age Children
Common back talk: “You do not understand!” and “It is not fair!”
How to respond:
Kids this age care more about what their peers think than what you think.
They will try to dangle bait to get you going. Do not bite! You will lose:
School-age kids always need to have the last word. Instead, let the child
own the problem and empathise with him. Try saying, “You do not think I
know what’s going on with you right now and that’s frustrating, but
you are being disrespectful. Please go to your room until you have calmed
down and can talk rationally with me.”
You will have to be proactive to keep on
top of the “It is not fair.” Limits help kids develop inner control.
Set limits for when you think your kids will be ready to cross the street
safely, stay up later, go on a picnic, etc. Then try saying, “You know
that in our house the rule is …”
Preteens
Back talk: “What’s the big deal?”
How to respond:
Instead of taking responsibility, this age group often puts parents on the
defensive. Say your daughter borrowed a scarf that had sentimental value
and then lost it. You might blurt out, “How could you be so
irresponsible!” Look out - she’ll most likely turn that response
around on you: “Oh and you have never lost anything before? Excuse me
for not being perfect!” Instead of attacking, try talking in concrete
terms: “You did this … so I feel this.” Use the restraint and
respect you would show a guest in your home. The goal is for you to
express your feelings in a way that allows your child to take
responsibility for them.
Teens
Common back talk: “Leave me alone!” and “It is all your fault!”
How to respond:
Beware - they may look like grown-ups, but teenagers are not completely
rational. They think differently than adults and children, and often feel
they are invulnerable. Be concerned about their responses and listen to
them. Help them to see that you are on their side. If they say they want
to be left alone, back off but do not give up. Take a more subtle
approach. Write them a note without attacking or blaming, and say that you
would like to hear back from them. Always keep the dialogue open. Try
talking in a lower voice. If you model screaming and shouting, that is
what you will get in return. And remember, you are always the authority in
your house; you can set limits. As parents, you cannot be friends with
your children, but you can still treat them in a friendly way.
Six rules for fighting fair
You won’t ever be able to avoid disagreements with your kids, but you
can learn how to fight fair. Jahangir suggests that each family member
adhere to the following rules:
Don’t attack
Don’t belittle
Don’t condemn
Define what the problem is
Define how to rectify it
Figure
out what can be done to prevent it in the future
Source: http://www.nation.com.pk/weekly/life/mar-2003/2/page1.htm
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