21 F’s for a Happy
Marriage
Muhammad Ayub
1. Faith:
The most basic and essential attribute of a Muslim marriage is the common
faith that binds the couple.
Since Islam is a way of life and not just a
religion confined to weekly worship it becomes an integral part of a
Muslim's life. The frame of reference shared by the couple eases
communication and sharing of values which is not possible in an interfaith
marriage. It is highly recommended that faith play an important role in
the developing a loving relationship.
For example, as the Prophet Muhammad (SAW-
peace and blessings be upon him) said, that even if a husband places a
morsel of food in his wife's mouth, he gets a reward for this act and
Allah increases the bond of love between them. So when we love each other
for the sake of Allah WE ACTUALLY INCREASE OUR FAITH.
2. Forgiving:
When the Prophet Muhammad (SAW) asked his Companions ‘do you wish that
Allah should forgive you' they said, of course O Prophet of Allah. He
responded, ‘then forgive each other'.
One of the main components of a happy
marriage is that the spouses are able to forgive, that they do not hold
grudges or act judgmental towards each other. It is expected that when we
live with someone, situations may arise when we end up saying or doing
things that hurt our spouses. The challenge is not to dwell on it or lay
blame but to move past it. This
can only happen if we are not too proud to ask for forgiveness and we are
not stingy to forgive.
If we expect Allah to forgive us then we
must learn to forgive.
3. Forget:
When we constantly remind our spouses of all the times they let us down or
hurt us we have not truly forgiven. Things that happened in the past must
be left there and not be used as fresh ammunition in new situations.
Couples who use this technique usually fall in a rut and become victims of
their own pettiness, unable to break free.
4. Forbearance:
Sabr (patience) is the most useful tool to have in managing a healthy
lifestyle. Being patient and forbearing puts us in a pro-active frame of
mind it brings us closer to Allah through Tawakul (trust) and reliance .We
develop an inner mechanism that empowers us to handle life's difficult
moments. As Allah states in Surah (chapter)al-Asr:
"Surely by time humans are at loss,
except those who believe and do righteous deeds and counsel each other to
the truth and counsel each other to Sabr (patience)' (Quran, chapter 103).
5. Flexible:
Many couples un-necessarily make themselves miserable because they are
unwilling to bend a little.
We should not expect our spouses to be our
extensions. They are their own selves with personalities, likes and
dislikes. We must respect their right to be them selves as long as it does
not compromise their Deen (religion). Being inflexible and not
accommodating for individual differences leads to a very stressful and
tense home atmosphere.
6. Friendship:
This aspect of marriage has three components.
First is to develop a friendship with our
spouses. The relationship based on friendship is more able to withstand
outside pressures.
We honor, trust, respect, accept and care
for our friends, in spite of our differences. These are the aspects of
friendship we should bring to our marriages.
Unfortunately the only aspect that people
think of bringing to their marriage which is highly inappropriate is the
buddy scenario. Shariah (Islamic law) has placed the husband in a
leadership role within a family. This requires a certain decorum, which
cannot be maintained if the spouses consider each other as pals.
This should not be taken to mean that
husband is a dictator but a shepherd who is responsible for and to his
flock. This is a position of grave responsibility and places an enormous
burden on the husband. Furthermore the children need to see their parents
as friends but not as pals as this encourages disrespect.
7. Friendly:
Second aspect of friendship is to have friendly relations with in-laws.
When couples compete as to whose parents are more important it becomes a
constant source of grief. Much valuable time is wasted trying to convince,
one another of whose parents are most desirable.
It is better if we accept, that our spouses will not overnight fall
in love with our parents just because we want them to. As long as they
maintain friendly relations that are cordial and based on mutual respect
we should not force the issue.
8. Friends:
The third aspect of friendship is our circle of friends. It is okay to
have individual friends of the same gender but couples must also make
effort to have family friends so that they can socialize together. If
there is friction being caused by a certain friendship it must not be
pursued at the expense of the marriage. Prophet Muhammad (SAW) advised us
to choose God fearing people as friends since we tend to follow their way.
Friends should be a source of joy and not mischief.
9. Fun:
Couples that do not laugh together have to work on sharing some fun times.
The Prophet (SAW) was known to play with his wives. A simple walk in the
park can add much spark to the relationship. Taking up a sport together or
watching clean funny movies is another way of sharing a laugh.
10. Faithful:
It is commanded by Allah that we be faithful to our spouses. Adultery is a
capital crime in Islam that is punishable by death. However there are
various forms of unfaithful behavior prevalent among some Muslims.
The most common form is maintaining
friendships with the opposite sex over the boundaries set by Islam, and
the misgivings of the spouse. The latest trend of Internet relationships
is also contrary to Islamic Adab (etiquette) and is causing serious
problems between couples. Once a sense of betrayal sets in, repairing that
relationship is difficult. Another form of not being faithful is when
couples betray confidences (trusts/promises). This is a trust issue and
one when compromised eats away at the heart of a marriage.
11. Fair:
Usually when we are angry or displeased the tendency is to not play fair.
We try to convince ourselves that since we have been wronged it is okay to
be unjust in our behavior and our statements. Allah states in the Quran do
not be unjust under any circumstances, even if they be your enemy, and
here we are talking about our life partners and the parent of our
children. To use words such as "never" and "always"
when describing the behavior of the partner is unfair and puts the other
on the defensive.
10. Finance:
One of the most common points of contention in marriages is money. Experts
tell us that 80 percent of marital conflicts are about money.
It is therefore highly recommended that the
couple put serious time and effort in developing a financial management
plan that is mutually agreeable and is reviewed every six months or so.
Preparing a budget together is also a helpful and wise way to handling
household finances. It should be remembered that the wife's money in Islam
is hers to do with as she pleases and therefore should not be considered
family income unless she chooses to contribute it to the family
11. Family:
Parenting can be a stressful experience if the parents are not well
informed. This in turn can put extra pressure on the marriage.
Sometimes couples are naive about the
changes that come in the lifestyle. This can cause in some cases
depression and in some resentment and misunderstandings. One golden rule
that must always be the guide is; that family comes first.
Whenever there is evidence that the family
is not happy or not our first priority it is time to assemble at the
kitchen table and discuss with open hearts and mind.
12. Feelings:
Prophet Muhammad (SAW) stated that Allah forgives all sins if we repent
but not those we have committed against others i.e. hurt their feelings
unless the person we have hurt forgives first.
Couples are sometimes very careless when it
comes to their spouse's feelings, they take them for granted and assume
that the other knows what they mean. It is surprising that people are more
sensitive and courteous to strangers than they are to their loved ones.
One must be ever vigilant and careful that they do not hurt the feelings
of their spouses and if they
invariably do, they should apologize as soon as possible. Since one does
not know when someone they love will leave this world, is it not better to
make amends when we have the time?
13. Freedom:
Marriage in Islam is a partnership and not bondage or slavery. To consider
the wife one's property is alien to Islamic concept of husband and wife
role. The team spirit is enhanced and not curtailed when members of the
team are free to be themselves. Freedom in the common western since is to
be free to do as one pleases or to be selfish. On the contrary, to allow
freedom to one's spouse is to be considerate of their needs and to
recognize their limitations.
14. Flirtation:
A sure way to keep romance in marriage is to flirt (only) with your
spouse. Many successful marriages have maintained a youthful demeanor in
their marriages by adopting special names for each other and secret
communication styles.
15. Frank:
Misunderstandings happen when couples are not honest with each other.
Marital relationship is where the partners must feel safe to speak their
mind with due consideration to the other's feeling, without compromising
their own views. When the communication is not frank it hinders in the
development of closeness and deep understanding of each other's inner
self.
16. Facilitator:
When choosing our life partner, we must, as the Prophet (SAW) advised,
look for a pious Muslim. The reason is that their first and foremost goal
is the pleasure of Allah. This commitment
to Allah makes them an excellent facilitator (someone who makes
things easy) for enhancing
their partner's spiritual development.
In essence, the couple facilitates their family's commitment to Allah and
His Deen.
17. Flattering:
Paying compliments and indulging in honest flattery is a very inexpensive
way to win your spouse's heart. Everyone likes to be appreciated and
noticed. So being stingy about compliments is actually depriving oneself
of being appreciated in return.
18. Fulfilling:
To be all one can be to one's spouse is a very fulfilling and rewarding
experience. To be in love means to give one's all. The heart
does not put conditions or make stipulations. It gives without
expecting anything in return, but such selfless giving is always rewarded
tenfold.
19. Fallible:
It often happens that our expectations sometimes are so high that we lose
focus of the fact that we are fallible (not perfect/make mistakes) beings.
When couples start to nitpick and demand the impossible they must remind
themselves that only Allah is perfect.
20. Fondness:
So many times couples fail to work on developing fondness for each other
by [failing] to see their spouses as people through the eyes of their
respective friends. Spending quality time alone doing and sharing
activities are ways in which one can develop fondness.
21. Future:
Smart couples plan for their future together. They work on their financial
and retirement plans, make wills and discuss these plans with their
children. This provides peace of mind and secures the relationship.
About the
Author: Muhammad Ayub ayub57@hotmail.com |
