Controlling Anger Before It Controls You
What is Anger?
Anger is a completely normal, usually healthy, human emotion. We've all
felt anger; perhaps as a fleeting annoyance or as a full-fledged rage.
But when it gets out of control and turns destructive, it can lead to
problems: problems at work, in your personal relationships and in the
overall quality of your life. It can make you feel as though you're at
the mercy of an unpredictable and powerful emotion. This fact sheet is
meant to help you to understand and get a handle on handling anger.
Signs and Causes of Anger
Like other emotions, anger is accompanied by physiological and
biological changes. When you feel angry, your heart rate and blood
pressure go up, as does the level of your energy hormones, adrenaline
and noradrenaline.
Anger can be caused by both external and internal
events. You could be angry at a specific person (such an a coworker or
supervisor) or at an event (a traffic jam or a canceled flight), or your
anger could be caused by worrying or brooding about personal problems.
Also memories of traumatic or enraging events can trigger angry
feelings.
Problems Caused By Unexpressed Anger
Unexpressed anger can create other problems. It can lead to pathological
expressions of anger, such as passive-aggressive behavior (getting back
at people indirectly, without telling them why, rather than confronting
them head-on) or a personality that seems perpetually cynical and
hostile. People who are constantly putting others down, criticizing
everything and making cynical comments haven't learned how to
constructively express their anger. Not surprisingly, they aren't likely
to have many successful relationships.
Why Are Some People More Angry Than Others?
Some people really are more "hotheaded" than others; they get
angry more easily and more intensely than the average person. There are
also those who don't show their anger in loud spectacular ways but are
chronically irritable and grumpy. Easily angered people don't always
curse and throw things; sometimes they withdraw socially, sulk or get
physically ill.
People who are easily angered generally have what some
psychologists call a low tolerance for frustration, meaning simply, that
they feel that they should not have to be subjected to frustration,
inconvenience or annoyance. They can't take things in stride and
they’re particularly infuriated if the situation seems somehow unjust,
such as, being corrected for a minor mistake.
Possible Causes of Anger
One cause may be genetic or physiological. There is evidence that some
children are born irritable, touchy and easily angered, and that these
signs are present from a very early age. Another cause may be
socio-cultural. Anger is often regarded as negative; we're taught that
it's all right to express anxiety, depression or other emotions but not
to express anger. As a result, we don't learn how to handle it or
channel it constructively. Research has also found that family
background plays a role. Typically, people who are easily angered come
from families that are disruptive, chaotic and not skilled at emotional
communications.
Express Your Angry Feelings in a Positive Way
You can’t get rid of, or avoid the things or the people that enrage
you, nor can you change them, but you can learn to control your
emotions. The three main approaches are expressing, suppressing and
calming.
- Expressing
your angry feelings in an
assertive -- not aggressive -- manner is the healthiest way to
express anger. To do this, you have to learn how to make clear what
your needs are, and how to get them met, without hurting others.
Being assertive doesn't mean being pushy or demanding. It means
being respectful of yourself and others.
- Suppressing
anger and redirecting it. This
happens when you hold in your anger, stop thinking about it and
focus on something positive. The aim is to inhibit or suppress your
anger and convert it into constructive behavior. The danger in this
type of response is that if it isn’t allowed outward expression,
your anger can turn inward - on yourself. Anger turned inward may
cause hypertension, high blood pressure or depression.
- Calming yourself down inside. This means not
just controlling your outward behavior but also controlling your
internal responses, taking steps to lower your heart rate, calm
yourself down and let the feelings subside.
Tips for Controlling Your Anger
Relaxation
Practice these techniques and learn to use them when you're in a tense
situation.
- Breathe deeply, from your "gut";
breathing from your chest won't relax you.
- Slowly repeat a word or phrase such as
"relax," or "take it easy" as you deep breathe.
- Visualize a relaxing experience, from either your
memory or your imagination.
- Try non-strenuous, slow yoga-like exercises to
relax your muscles and calm you.
Change the Way You Think
Angry people tend to curse, swear or speak in highly colorful terms that
reflect their inner thoughts. When you're angry, your thinking can get
very exaggerated and overly dramatic. Try replacing these thoughts with
more rational ones. For instance, instead of telling yourself, "Oh,
it's awful, it's terrible, everything’s ruined," tell yourself,
"It’s frustrating, and it’s understandable that I’m upset
about it, but it’s not the end of the world and getting angry is not
going to fix it anyhow." Try replacing these thoughts with more
rational ones.
Be careful of words like "never" or
"always" when talking about yourself or someone else.
"This !&%*@ machine never works," or "you're always
forgetting things" are inaccurate, and serve to make you feel that
your anger is justified and that there is no way to solve the problem.
They also alienate and humiliate people who might otherwise be willing
to work with you on a solution.
Logic defeats anger, because anger, even when it is
justified, can quickly become irrational. So use cold hard logic on
yourself. Remind yourself that the world is "not out to get
you," you’re just experiencing some of the rough spots of daily
life. Do this each time you feel anger getting the best of you and
it’ll help you get a more balanced perspective.
Learn to Problem Solve
Sometimes, our anger and frustration are caused by very real and
unavoidable problems in our lives. Not all anger is misplaced, and often
it’s a healthy, natural response to these difficulties. There is also
a cultural belief that every problem has a solution, and it adds to our
frustration to find out that this isn't always the case. It may be
better to think about coping with the problem rather than finding a
solution which may not exist.
Try to Communicate Better
Angry people tend to jump to and act on conclusions. Some of those
conclusions can be pretty wild. The first thing to do, if you’re in a
heated discussion, is to slow down and think through your responses.
Don't say the first thing that comes into your head, but slow down and
think carefully about what you want to say. Listen carefully to what the
other person is saying and take your time before answering.
Listen to what is underlying the anger. For instance,
you like a certain amount of freedom and personal space, and your
"significant other" wants more connection and closeness. If he
or she starts complaining about your activities, don't retaliate by
painting your partner as a jailer, a warden or an albatross around your
neck. It's natural to get defensive when you are criticized, but don't
respond right back. Instead, listen to what's underlying the words; the
message that this person might feel neglected and unloved. It may take a
lot of patient questioning on your part, and it may require some
breathing space, but don't let your anger - or a partner's allow a
discussion to spin out of control. Keeping your cool can keep the
situation from becoming a disastrous one.
Use Humor When Appropriate
Two cautions in using humor. First, don’t try to just "laugh
off" your problems; rather, use humor to help yourself face them
constructively. Second, don't give in to harsh, sarcastic humor, that's
just another form of unhealthy anger expression.
What these techniques have in common is a refusal to
take yourself too seriously. Anger is a serious emotion, but it's often
accompanied by ideas that, if examined, can make you laugh.
Change Your Environment
Sometimes our immediate surroundings give us cause for irritation and
fury. Problems and responsibilities can weigh on you and make you feel
"trapped"; making you resentful towards all people and things
that form that "trap".
Give yourself a break. Make sure you have some
"personal time" scheduled for times of the day that you know
are particularly stressful. One example is the working mother who has a
standing rule that when she comes home from work, for the first fifteen
minutes "nobody talks to Mom unless the house is on fire."
After this brief quiet time, she feels better prepared to handle demands
from her kids without blowing up at them.
Other Tips For Releasing Yourself From
Anger-Producing Situations
- Timing:
If you and your spouse tend to fight
when you discuss things at night (perhaps you're tired, or
distracted, or maybe it's just habit) try changing the times when
you talk about important matters so these talks don't turn into
arguments.
- Avoidance:
If your child's chaotic room
makes you furious every time you walk by it, shut the door. Don't
make yourself look at what infuriates you. Don't say "Well, my
child should clean up the room so I won't have to be angry!"
That's not the point. The point is to keep yourself calm.
- Finding alternatives: If your daily commute
through traffic leaves you in a state of rage and frustration, give
yourself a project -- learn or map out a different route, one that's
less congested or more scenic. Or find another alternative, such as
a bus or commuter train.
Do You Need Counseling?
If you feel that your anger in really out of control and it is having an
impact on both your relationships and important parts of your life, you
might consider counseling on how to handle it better. A psychologist or
other licensed mental health professional can work with you in
developing a range of technique for changing your thinking and your
behavior.
When you talk to a prospective therapist, tell her or
him that you have problems with anger that you want to work on, and ask
about his or her approach to anger management. Make sure this isn’t
only a course of action designed to "put you in touch with your
feelings and express them" which may be precisely what your problem
is.
With counseling, psychologists say, a highly angry
person can move closer to a middle range of anger in about 8 to 10
weeks, depending on circumstances and the techniques used.
Remember, you can't eliminate anger - and it wouldn't
be good if you could. In spite of all your efforts, things will always
happen that will cause you anger and sometimes it will be justifiable
anger. Life will always be filled with frustration, pain, loss and the
unpredictable actions of others. You can't change that; but you can
change the way you let such events affect you. Controlling your angry
response can keep them from making you even more unhappy in the long
run.
This material has been provided by:
National Mental Health Association
http://www.nmha.org
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