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| Counseling Couples:
Islamic Perspective Imam Magid The Muslim community in the United States
faces a great deal of social challenges brought about by forces from the
mainstream society. The forces of the media; the presence of guns,
alcohol, and drugs; the proliferation of adultery and fornication; and,
the atmosphere of a society lacking guidance all contribute to the
challenges faced by our communities. These outside forces have exaggerated
all the simple tasks of creating families, raising children, and
supporting our friends and neighbors. God has given us tools to solve our
community problems, by using the Quran and Sunnah. In addition, Islamic
counseling emphasizes spiritual solutions, based on love and fear of Allah
and the duty to fulfill our responsibility as the servants of Allah on
this earth. Islamic counseling is offered for marriage and family issues, for mental health cases, and for religious guidance. The principles of Islamic counseling are the following: confidentiality, trust, respect, recognizing the difference between arbitration and counseling, loving what is good for other people, making peace between people, concern about Muslim affairs, good listening habits, understanding others' cultures, the partnership between Imams and professionals, awareness of the law of the land, and the ultimate goal of connecting people with Allah and offering spiritual solutions to them. Prophet
Muhammad is our model and example in showing compassion about others'
concerns. It was reported that Prophet Muhammad was a good listener. Allah
has described his patience in listening to others in the Holy Quran: 'Allah has indeed heard (and accepted) the
statement of the woman who pleads with thee concerning her husband and
carries her complaint (in prayer) to Allah: And Allah (always) hears the
arguments between both sides among you: for Allah hears and sees (all
things).' Sūrah Mujadilah, Ayah 1 The Quran reminds us that in any form of
counseling, or private talks, Allah is present and hears what we are
saying. (58:7) The Quran also teaches us that the private talk in our
counseling is to help others to be righteous and to be obedient to Allah.
(58:9) Any effort that we make in bringing people together is considered 'sadaqah'
(charity), and Allah will reward us for it. One of the most important types of
counseling is marriage counseling. This is my personal area of expertise
at the ADAMS Center. Marriage counseling has three main areas including
before marriage, post marriage, and family counseling during marriage.
This paper will concentrate on marriage counseling and premarital
counseling. Premarital counseling is a preventive
measure to help people understand marital relationships, the
responsibility that comes with it, and their expectations of one another.
Premarital counseling is being done in two methods. One is educational,
such as teaching courses for groups of single brothers and sisters. These
participants do not need to be engaged to each other, it is simply a tool
for marriage education. Although a course could be conducted for engaged
couples as a structured support group with an educational component. The
second type of program is to have premarital counseling sessions with the
couple and the counselor. This is more private, and more specific to
address the concerns of only the future married couple. The imams and the counselors have to have
in mind that there are certain elements in any relationship that can make
it unique from others. In intercultural marriages the counselor needs to
help the couple recognize and plan for their cultural differences and
similarities. In marriages in which either the husband or the wife, or
both, have been previously married, the counselor needs to help the couple
address concerns from the first marriage and assist them in building this
new marriage. Those issues are compounded if children are involved from
the first marriages. Interfaith marriages require additional effort from
the counselor to help the couple plan for raising children, religious
expectations, and other concerns from such a relationship. A successful
counselor will keep these and other unique concerns present during the
counseling sessions. Some people don't realize the importance of
premarital counseling until problems arise after their marriage.
Therefore, my advice to the parents, to the imams, counselors, and
chaplains in the universities, and high school teachers in Islamic schools
is to talk about these issues of marriages, teach courses on marriage, and
propose pre-marital counseling when they are considering marriage. What are the issues that imams and the
counselors should bring in premarital counseling? The first issues that
should be brought up include understanding important concepts: marriage,
religion, and the role of man and woman. The second issue is communication,
this is the most significant issue in marital relations. Counselors
discuss effective communications, effective listening, and feedback. One
might also give them a scenario of miscommunications and methods of coping
with them. The third area is the area of abuse. We ask the couple to define abuse and to discuss different types of abuse: verbal, physical, and emotional. The fourth area is the area of raising
children, and parenting styles. If they don't have children, the counselor
should discuss with them what it means to be a parent and the changes that
occur in their life when they have children. If there are children from
previous relationships, the counselor should discuss the concept of step-parenting and their relationship with the biological parents. I advise
couples to read the book Parenting in the West, or other similar books
that may help in that regard. The fifth area is financial planning.
This is a very important area because people enter the marriage
relationship without anticipating the financial stress of maintaining a
household. They may learn budgeting, saving, and planning for retirement.
The counselor should refer the couple to a professional financial planner,
or a good text to help them prepare on their own. The sixth area includes a discussion on the
roles of extended family. The counselor should initiate conversations
between the couple and their parents and their families. Having in mind
that many marriages fail in the Muslim community because of the
interference of in-laws in the marriage life of the new couple. The
counselor helps them to set-up boundaries and to encourage their parents
to be a safety net for their children, rather than being a negative
interference. The seventh area is decision-making. The
counselors help both the woman and the man understand how they make
decisions in their own life, before they are married. Then bring them to
an understanding of how that will change, or improve, when they become a
couple. Stress the use of consultation and mutual understanding of the
couples' decisions. The physical relationship of a marriage
should be included in the course of pre-marital counseling. The woman
should meet with a female counselor, and the man should meet with a male
counselor. These sessions are meant to help the couple to be prepared
mentally and psychologically to understand the intimate physical
relationship of a marriage. Couples can read books in this area, such as
Matrimonial Education by Dr. Ahmed Saker or the Muslim Marriage Guide by
Ruqayah Maqsood. Lastly, the couple needs to focus on
conflict resolution. The counselor should teach the couples how to resolve
conflicts, what constitutes conflicts, and the Islamic approach to solving
conflicts. I encourage the imams and counselors to attend the conference
by ISNA in this field, which is a very helpful tool that can be used in
counseling. Regarding premarital counseling, these are
some important areas that imams and counselors should bring to their
sessions. Also, there is a suggested list of questions that I give to my
couples to complete at home. It includes a variety of questions that cover
many topics concerning marriage, for single, divorced, and widowed men and
women seeking marriage. There are questions for inter-cultural couples and
inter-faith couples. The imams or counselors should suggest appropriate
questions for the couple that they are counseling. The field of marital counseling is slightly
different from that of premarital counseling. Obviously, the couple is
already married and children may or may not already be involved. My advice
to the counselors is to be a good listener to both parties, discuss all
issues of concern, and make the parties comfortable in expressing
themselves. Confidentiality should be a key for trust between the
counselor and the married couple. The imam or counselor should be ready to
make professional referrals for issues of mental illness, addictions
(drugs or alcohol), or those in need of anger management. In the case of divorce, imams and
counselors should come to understand the Islamic law as well as the law of
the land. If the imam or counselor is not an expert in either Islamic law
or the law of the land, they should refer the couple to someone who is.
There may be a need for counseling, mediation, and arbitration in many
cases of divorce. Post-divorce counseling should include discussions of
children and relationships between the former husband and wife. In conclusion, I hope that I have touched on the most important areas between premarital and marital counseling. As the need of this service increases in our communities, our imams and counselors need more training in different methods of counseling as well as Islamic methods of counseling. The best way to go about this, is to talk about these issues in our khutbahs, our school curricula, and in our study halaqahs. We ask Allah, the Exalted, to make our community a model community, and to make our families stronger and more stable.
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